The Vomiting Unicorn Gazette

Elite Drop 1

2012-01-27T11:00:00.002-05:00

These new Modern Warfare 3 maps come with extra player profanity? I love free bonus content!

Vanquish

2012-01-22T10:02:00.002-05:00

Beat Vanquish yesterday. Although it received a few critical dismissals for the short length of the campaign, I felt it was just right. If it had been any longer it would have worn out its welcome due to being too frenetic in pacing.

Besides, with the leaderboard features there is plenty of replay value. There is also "God Hard" mode for masochists out there.

Prestiged!

2012-01-09T18:40:00.002-05:00

Finally prestiged in MW3! Now I can take a well deserved (although maybe short) break from the multiplayer side of things, and get back to working on my single player backlog. While tackling the monolithic task that is Skyrim, of course.

Prestiging in MW3

2011-12-30T18:34:00.001-05:00

If I choose to prestige, that means I beat Call of Duty multiplayer, right?

Call of Duty Elite

2011-12-14T21:49:00.001-05:00

It's gotten better, in that you can actually login to it. However, they still have a long way to go for a paid service.

At least it isn't full of ads (I'm looking in your direction, new XBox Dashboard.)

Another gaming blog worth following

2011-11-30T12:46:00.001-05:00

Hey internet,

If you're following my blog, you should start following this one as well!

Games Are For Grown Ups

Multiplayer Madness

2011-11-27T10:00:00.001-05:00

I'm really enjoying the depth of Modern Warfare 3's multiplayer experience. However, I still find myself drawn back to Gears 3, simply because it's universe is far more entertaining and has more personality.

That and I'm better at Gears. I'll just fall back on the standard internet argument that people are cheating in MW3, rather than me being terrible at it.

Modern Warfare 3

2011-11-11T17:35:00.001-05:00

They said it would never happen, but it did. Modern Warfare 3 has been purchased.
By the way, "they" is "me".

Uncharted

2011-11-03T16:00:00.003-04:00

Finished Uncharted last night and began playing Uncharted 2. I now see what all the hype was about. Excellent games and I'm really looking forward to cracking open the plastic on Drake's Deception since it's sitting on my game shelf.

Shadow of The Colossus

2011-10-26T20:29:00.001-04:00

We have a new entry in my Top Five Games Ever. Move over Fester's Quest.

If anyone hasn't picked up the ICO/Shadow Collection on PS3, they should.

Dark Souls is Really Difficult

2011-10-23T11:36:00.001-04:00

No, like, REALLY difficult. I think I'll go play Uncharted...

Gears 3 and Space Marine

2011-09-19T21:01:00.002-04:00

Gears 3 just shipped hot on the heels of me finishing up my Space Marine review. I'm definitely glad that I'll have the opportunity to chainsaw even more aliens/mutants/whatevers across multiple platforms in under the span of two weeks.

Dead Island

2011-09-06T23:10:00.004-04:00

Awesome fun in co-op, and scary (shock value) when playing alone. I'm also a fan of what I've been able to create with the crafting system, such as baseball bats covered in nails. Quite gratifying.

Definitely a little rough around the edges, but a good time thus far.

Deus Ex

2011-09-04T08:19:00.001-04:00

Part Bladerunner, Part Robocop, All awesome.

Hurricane Checklist

2011-08-27T10:02:00.002-04:00

Nintendo DS charged.

iPod apps sync'd.

Peanut butter and jelly.

Bring it on, NATURE!

Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood: Community Game Night

2011-08-18T22:47:00.001-04:00

Was successful! A full party for the entire two hours, in fact, more than an Xbox Live party could handle. Good times backstabbin' one another with friends!

Crysis 2...done?

2011-08-13T23:26:00.000-04:00

Finally beat the single player campaign for Crysis 2. Definitely a satisfying ending, although (spoiler) it had the requisite cliffhanger.

Now to see whether I want to put some sort of semi-long term investment into the multiplayer component. While it's fun and provides some interesting twists on the "Call of Duty" formula, there are issues with the matchmaking placing players of far too large a level disparity together. This creates unbalanced matches. I'm not sure whether it is a symptom of a dwindling population, or Crytek's matchmaking system. Either way it sucks being dominated by people due to the equipment they have unlocked.

Time will tell if I invest in it. Well, time and Gears of War 3...

Thank You For Your Cooperation

2011-08-09T19:14:00.001-04:00

Why can't "The Industry" just create me a good Robocop game?

Bulletstorm Multiplayer

2011-08-05T00:05:00.002-04:00

Now we got a situation!

Excellent "horde mode" co-op. The combination of teamwork and skill shots make for fun arenas. Not sure the longevity I'll find in it, but so far it's definitely better than Mad Moxxie's Underdome Riot was...

In other news, I feel strange about having to dig up info about my old World of Warcraft account just to merge it with a newly created Battle.net account. I don't plan on going back to WoW, I just had to get my account updated and merged over to their newer, more secure format since I kept getting so many damn notifications about my account being breached!

A gamers peace of mind in the internet age...

Wait, Borderlands 2 was Announced?

2011-08-03T12:57:00.001-04:00

Thanks Gearbox. Now I know what I'll be doing in April, and May, and June, and October....

Crysis 2 multiplayer

2011-08-02T23:48:00.001-04:00

So I've gotten into Crysis 2 multiplayer lately. It has much more depth to it than I initially expected from it. In fact, it has unseated Killzone 3 as my de facto FPS.

Also, holy crap, I wrote something in this blog! I will try to update more regularly in a new, shorter format, since most of my main writing will now be over on Splitkick.com which you should check out if you somehow arrive here but haven't seen it yet.

Not Dead, just Sleeping

2011-05-26T23:44:00.002-04:00

So no posts in the past few months.

That should be changing rather shortly...

Two Worlds 2 Review [PS3]

2011-02-11T13:07:00.000-05:00

Gandohar calling. Gandohar calling.

I despised the original Two Worlds. It still ranks among my most hated titles on the Xbox 360. It was such an atrocity I’m surprised the video game industry didn’t put Reality Pump on trial for war crimes. Naturally, I jumped at the opportunity to review the sequel, excited to see what kind of torture the developers could deliver me. So color me shocked that Two Worlds 2 actually turned out to be a damn good RPG.

It would be easy for me to compare Two Worlds 2 to games like Oblivion, Diablo, and World of Warcraft, because it borrows heavily from all these franchises in a majority of ways. Instead I’m going to compare the game to Raymond Babbitt. That’s right: Two Worlds 2 is the video game equivalent of Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man. It is an idiot savant among role playing games. When I began reviewing it I expected very little. The initial hour provided a lackluster tutorial where your character escapes from a prison (how many times is an RPG going to begin like this?!) and walks you through the game’s most basic mechanics. At this point I was still underwhelmed, but then right around the end of the tutorial, the hints of brilliance began to emerge.

The first impressive feature was my character gaining an “occulus”; a disembodied floating eyeball that acts as a first person free roaming camera to scout the landscape ahead of you. It’s an interesting, well-implemented feature to help stealth classes, and later occuli allow you to not only view enemies, but also damage them using remote detonation. This had me leaning towards playing an assassin, because the standard melee combat felt stiff and basically revolved around mashing one button, and magic (besides summoning) is fairly underpowered for the first 80% of the game. However, class choice brought another great feature of TW2 to light. The class system is highly malleable. I created an assassin/ranger/mage class, which I dubbed “assrage”. My assrage was able to dump points into any number of skills, regardless of class, tailoring him to my exact playstyle. I also took advantage of the “soulpatchers” who allow you to re-spec your entire build for a nominal fee, a feature akin to many MMOs.

The trappings of the MMORPG aren’t limited to just character builds however. TW2 features a robust crafting system unlike anything I’ve seen in a console RPG before. You can literally break down any item you get into core components, allowing you to upgrade your current equipment and further enhance it with magic gems. This freedom extends to the alchemy and magic systems as well, allowing almost unlimited flexibility for tweaking and creation as long as your character meets the skill point requirements. It creates a wonderful feeling of freedom as you play, and let’s you mix things up on a whim should you choose to. The only drawback to this is the somewhat unwieldy inventory menu, which has a terrible translucent background making it difficult to read and select items in most well-lit areas of the game. I implore Reality Pump to patch in a solid background for the inventory menu because it would make a world of difference, pun intended.

The overall visual quality of the game was another point of contention for me. The environments are highly detailed and well designed. Being a huge Guild Wars fan, the game immediately earned points with me by opting for Asian and African themed landscapes. It was far more interesting exploring a dry savannah, feudal Japanese styled structures, and a murky cursed swamp, than the standard “forest and castle” areas I’ve generally come to expect in the typical ARPG. The character models are a different story though. While they were somewhat detailed and there were a few interesting enemy designs, they moved stiffly and generally seemed uninspired. Sound was another mixed bag. The soundtrack is superb and well orchestrated, while the voice acting is completely over the top and ridiculous. I personally enjoyed it because it was light and humorous, and anyone who is a fan of shows like “Hercules”, “Xena”, and “Legend of The Seeker” will immediately fall in love with Antaloor’s inhabitants. But if you prefer your games to be deadly serious, you’ll immediately hate them and wonder how many sandwiches the developers bought their local community theater group to record the dialogue.

The humor infused into the game doesn’t really shine through in the main story, which is fairly run-of-the-mill. The real quality is in the side-quests which range from lengthy dungeon crawls to ridiculous battles with cursed umbrellas. It’s these that bring the world to life and make you want to spend countless hours exploring, and generally ignoring the main path. Unfortunately the quest log is also full of dubious design decisions, such as leaving all completed quests on it, making it needlessly difficult to read. The map is also fairly cumbersome, using a system of pushpins that become cluttered after you’ve been inundated with tons of quests. UI failings aside, the diligent adventurer could easily spend over sixty hours exploring every nook and cranny of Antaloor while completing it’s massive chains of side quests.

This brings me to the final outstanding feature of this game, that being the multiplayer co-op campaign. I have to admit, I was totally unprepared for this hidden gem. What started as me checking out the multiplayer simply to say that I played it, turned into two days of powering through an amazing independent campaign. You create a completely different character with much more flexibility in looks, gender, and race. Then you and up to seven other people play across seven chapters as an aspiring henchmen of the single player campaign’s main villain. It’s a highly linear, hack n’ slash dungeon run that evokes Diablo and shades of D&D. Fighters in the front, archers in the back, keep the mage alive while he fires magic missiles. It’s totally old school and totally awesome. Chapters are re-playable, and you’ll want to collect as much cash as you can, because once your coffers reach 10,000 auras (gold) you unlock “Village mode”, which is your very own medieval hamlet building simulator. It’s persistent and events happen in real time. Think of it as Farmville to scale, only if you ignore it everyone gets murdered by skeletons in the night. There are also a few PVP modes, but griefing is already abundant, so I would only recommend them for the hardcore trophy/achievement hunters who are willing to take several frustrating beatings for the sake of completionism.

Two Worlds 2 is far from perfect. In fact, it has many flaws and some really strange design choices. I’m not going to gauge it based on being better than its predecessor, because that would be like awarding a car company for rolling out their new model that doesn’t spontaneously combust. However, based on its own merit, this is a solid game. It allows a kind of player freedom I haven’t experienced since Morrowind, and it’s obvious that the developers really love classic RPG’s. It’s not for everyone, but for players who have the patience to look beyond some of its outward problems, there is an incredible wealth of original content to explore and enjoy.

The Good

Game world is interesting and well designed.
Crafting system is second to none for a console RPG.
Soundtrack is outstanding and sets the tone nicely.

The Bad

Controls can be frustrating.
Map and inventory need an overhaul.
Your characters one-liners get old, fast.

The Ugly

Not nearly enough Sordahon.

A World of Keflings Review [360]

2010-12-24T09:14:00.002-05:00

A world of resource management!

Every once in a while I enjoy taking a step back from violent frag-fests and puzzle-laden adventure games to play something a little more relaxed. That’s when I reach for a game like A World of Keflings, the new sequel to developer NinjaBee’s popular XBLA title A Kingdom for Keflings. The strange little elf-people are back and this time they have multiple worlds for you to explore!

I had only played the demo of the first Keflings title, so this new entry was basically a fresh start for me. NinjaBee has made it very easy to pick up A World of Keflings without any knowledge of the previous game. As you follow the opening story and tutorial, your Avatar (properly proportioned due to the last major dashboard update) is unfrozen from a large block of ice by a group of Keflings known as the “Kefkimos”. The Kefkimos are special Keflings who live in the icy northern region of the world, and speak Canadian, which is just gibberish with the word “hoser” liberally peppered in.
This initial world will teach you the basics of gameplay, as well as acquainting you with Bob and Doug (McKenzie?) who will be invaluable helpers moving forward. The Keflings quickly realize that your size can be an asset to them, and ask you to help solve some of their problems.

Keflings is focused heavily on resource management, and it immediately reminded me of Black and White, only with a giant Kragg rather than a huge cow. The game’s UI is clean, colorful, and simple, so learning basic functions is a snap. The little guys will guide you on using commands and emotes to build structures, harvest resources, and assign other Keflings to tasks such as gathering and refining resources for you. Keflings can be named (profanity filter ON) and will level individually allowing them to move faster and carry more, which basically comprises the core of their entire existence.

The graphics and sound are certainly nothing cutting edge for XBLA, but are sufficiently upbeat, bright and cartoonish to fit the games theme. There is also plenty of detail, and a surprising amount of depth to the available customization. As you travel through the ice, forest and desert kingdoms you’ll begin unlocking blueprints that allow you to build increasingly complex structures. Eventually you can create buildings like Sculptors and Nurseries that allow you to craft “customizables” such as statues and foliage to decorate your kingdom. You can also trade these customizables online with your friends who play AWoK, show them off when you invite them to your kingdom, and vice versa. Multiplayer, both local and online, allows your friends to help you speed up building your little world, or to come in and cause havoc by smashing houses and kicking your Keflings around. Nothing says “I’m a bad friend” like jumping into someone else’s kingdom, emoting “scary face” and disrupting an entire supply chain of magic crystal miners.

There is a story hidden in all this collecting and building, and you’ll meet a few key players along the way such as a princess, her father the King, and a goofy dragon. The end goal is building a castle for the Keflings so that the three worlds can unite under a king or queen, but along the way a narrative unfolds with plenty of wacky characters and dialogue. NinjaBee’s sense of humor is evident, and I found myself laughing quite a bit at the ridiculous things the Keflings say and do. Especially the evil witch who wants you to collect fluffy puppy dreams for her to spread on her breakfast toast. Unfortunately, there isn’t much in the way of challenges as you move along through the game’s story. You can’t die, and there is almost no way to fail any of the quests. You simply keep trying a challenge until you complete it, or wait until you’ve harvested/refined enough resources to build the proper structures and progress. I would have enjoyed a slightly higher difficulty, but that may have disrupted the overall feel of the game. Unless you really enjoy unlocking customizable decorations and painting your buildings, the gameplay gets repetitive after a while.

A World of Keflings is a nice diversion from the Xbox mainstream. Although its basic mechanics are simple, the depth of the game’s later resource management, along with the witty dialogue and upbeat story keep things fun. If you are a fan of the Viva Pinata series, or the Black and White games, I would definitely recommend this. Ninjabee has created a game that is light-hearted, and a great change of pace if you want to just relax and play something for a few hours.

The Good

Game is easy to learn and a lot of fun.
Ninjabee does a good job of bringing the funny.
Totally super awesome special unlocks if you love Twisted Pixel and other indies!

The Bad

Gathering and building can get repetitive.
Once you get the hang of it, the game provides little challenge.

The Ugly

Wall-eyed dragons.

Dead Nation Review [PS3]

2010-11-24T18:15:00.001-05:00

I played a game with zombies in it.

Sometimes I wonder “What would it be like to encounter a zombie apocalypse that I didn’t have to shoot/burn/kill my way out of?” Then a game like Dead Nation comes along and reminds me that is a stupid question and I should never have thought of it in the first place, because zombies are made for shooting.

Developer Housemarque Games, known best for Super Stardust HD, have created a wonderful vision of the near future. It’s one where a virus has spread across the globe, turning countless billions into a starving horde of undead ghouls. Jack McReady and Scarlett Black are two survivors trapped in a city who are immune to the virus. So rather than starve to death or wait around to be torn apart, they strap on some head-lamps, don makeshift armor, and take it to the streets to shoot their way out of town.

The game’s action takes place in an isometric viewpoint as you blast your way through ten levels brimming with animated corpses. Dead Nation immediately reminded me of some of my favorite “dual analog” shooters from back in the day such as Smash TV and Robotron, and those totally kickass top-down levels from Super Contra on SNES. The controls are simple, incredibly tight, and easy to pick up. In addition to the basic “move and shoot” mainstays, you also have a dash function tied to a stamina bar that can be used for quick escapes when you get overwhelmed. Oh, and you’re GOING to be overwhelmed.

Zombies come from everywhere. They crowd the streets, they fall from rooftops, they explode from doorways, and even crawl out from under manhole covers like a Michael Jackson video. The games engine handles this impressively, even with upwards of one hundred enemies on screen there is never any slowdown and the finer details always shine through. Even in a giant mob there are still distinct, varied models and animations for all the shamblers, and when you toss a grenade or blow up a car you’ll be treated to a spectacular shower of gore and body parts all over the screen. In fact, everything is ridiculously detailed right down to trash in the streets. You’ll hear cans clatter and newspaper rustle under your feet, and light from your lamp will bend off every car, zombie, and chain link fence. It’s rare to see a downloadable title pay this kind of attention to minutiae.

On the topic of shooting and looting, the typical fare is available for taking on the undead menace. You begin with a semi-automatic rifle that has unlimited ammo and a chargeable “power shot” capable of putting down stronger enemies. Other selections include an SMG, shotgun, grenades, Molotov cocktails, and landmines. There’s also a cannon that shoots lawnmower blades for when you absolutely, positively, need to decapitate every last zombie in the room. The checkpoints scattered across each stage provide small safe havens and allow you, or you and a partner in local/online co-op, to purchase upgrades and ammunition.

I’m a big fan of developers implementing leaderboards in interesting ways, so I’d be remiss in not mentioning how well Housemarque nailed it in Dead Nation. Moving you beyond the games basic narrative told through stylized storyboards; upon completing a level you’ll see your zombie kills added into a pool that, in real time, reflects what percentage of the virus has been eradicated by your country. This simultaneously adds a feeling of working towards a greater goal with players from your region, while creating a nationalistic meta-game where countries are competing on a global scale.

Dead Nation is a worthwhile addition to the already bloated zombie game genre. It eschews the “realism” of Left4Dead for arcade style action, and buries Burn, Zombie, Burn! and Zombie Apocalypse with a shovel load of polish. If you want a deep experience, move along. However, if you want crazy, zombie blasting fun you can easily jump into with a friend I cannot recommend this game enough at fifteen dollars.

The Good

Visuals are outstanding, especially for a downloadable title.
High amounts of replay value.
Brilliant leaderboard implementation.

The Bad

Story might as well be non-existent.
The action gets repetitive, and some people consider that bad.

The Ugly

According to those leaderboards, Malaysia is in serious trouble.

Fallout: New Vegas Review [PS3]

2010-11-19T13:32:00.005-05:00

Bright light city gonna set my soul on fire.

Fallout: New Vegas is like a sandwich that was made on a dirty counter-top. You get what you ordered and it looks good on the plate, but as you’re eating it you’re eventually going to bite down on something unsavory. If you’re like me, what makes this even more unappetizing is the fact that Fallout has always been one of your favorite items on the menu.

I’ll start by getting my feelings about New Vegas’ comedy of errors out of the way, since its lack of polish seemed to quickly overshadow any initial excitement about its release. I received my copy a few days after the games initial release date, and it was so full of bugs I’m shocked it didn’t give my PS3 crabs. My time with Oblivion, Warhammer Online, and Fallout 3 have taught me to expect bugs when the Gamebryo engine is involved, but this was ridiculous. I’ll always forgive the occasional visual glitch in a game this large. However, countless hard console lockups and hours of gameplay lost to a corrupted save file? Unforgivable. Especially with a pre-built framework already in place, you’d expect New Vegas to be less buggy than Fallout 3; sadly this was not the case. Patches have been released at this point with more on the way, but the damage is done. Plus, patching won’t help those people who don’t have their console connected to the Internet. For them, my advice is skip this game and continue enjoying all the great books at the local library where they go to check their email.

Technical problems aside, New Vegas offers very little new under the desert sun. It is not a bad game by any means, but it doesn’t deliver much in the way of innovation if you’ve already played Fallout 3. I always try to judge a game on its own merit, but it’s really hard to when Obsidian so obviously slapped a new coat of paint on an old car. Graphics are nearly identical to Fallout 3, if not slightly worse. A lot of the textures seem dull, and many inhabitants of the Mojave look like plastic action figures compared to their grimy, more detailed D.C. counterparts. Gameplay mechanics are basically identical to Fallout 3, except for a few new interfaces such as a convenient command wheel to control followers, and a slightly modified crafting interface for the new campfires and ammo reload benches. Both of these allow you to create a multitude of recipes from the various spare parts and ingredients you can scavenge. The game almost treads into MMO territory with the ridiculous requirements and skills needed to concoct certain items. Unfortunately, you can largely ignore crafting save for a few key items such as basic ammo, stimpaks, and doctor’s bags.

The new gameplay mechanic I was looking forward to the most was undoubtedly “hardcore mode”, which forces your character to eat, sleep and stay hydrated. This hearkens back to old school RPG’s and I thought it would add a new layer of depth and challenge to the game. Sadly, the penalties for not taking care of yourself are fairly negligible and once I had progressed beyond the first few levels I almost completely forgot I was even playing with this extra challenge applied. The only sticking point was not being able to heal limb damage with stimpaks. However, that was also ignorable once I could craft doctor’s bags and took the perk that negates limb damage. While it did evoke a more classic RPG feeling, I was left mildly disappointed.

Obsidian’s strange implementation also carried over into the main quest line and their faction reputation system. The Mojave is an expansive place, and you could spend countless hours exploring every nook and cranny uncovering side quests and strange characters. Many of these will give you reputation points with the different factions and cause them to treat you differently. This is all well and good until the time you enter New Vegas itself and are subject to the twenty or so quests you automatically pick up. Then the “AI roulette” begins. As you choose your side and complete quest lines or take on “side bets”, you are constantly assailed with other quests “auto-adding” and then immediately “auto-failing.” These don’t always play out the way the developers seemed to intend. For example, I sided with Mr. House. At one point I completed a quest for him which set off a chain reaction of insta-failing quests that deemed me “vilified” by the New California Republic and Caesar’s Legion factions. Then my very next quest began with instructions to aid the NCR because of my high reputation with them. And guess what? When I showed up they loved me! That is until I put on their faction armor as a costume (which is supposed to disguise you and quickly raise rep) at which point my reputation lowered to average and I failed a portion of the quest. I see what Obsidian was going for, which was an organic feeling quest tree with many branches that could change and overlap, but the game’s limited AI couldn’t seem to keep pace with their grandiose design. Speaking of, why the hell do I lose karma by stealing ammo and dishes from an evil faction that hates me?

What is good about New Vegas is its charm. The folks at Obsidian have a great sense of humor, and it really shines through here (especially with the “wild wasteland” perk that brought out the strangest phenomena in the game). There is a stark contrast to the dark tone of Fallout 3, and some genuinely interesting characters. This is reinforced by a huge cast of voice talent including Wayne Newton, Matthew Perry, Felicia Day, Dave Foley, Wil Wheaton, Danny “Machete” Trejo, and more. They all did a stellar job of bringing their characters to life, and help you to become fully immersed in the world. The soundtrack is also appropriately western in theme, although I seemed to hear the same three songs repeatedly on the radio. Many other audio assets including the ambient sounds and music seemed to be taken directly from Fallout 3. Are we sensing the theme here yet?

Fallout:New Vegas is a decent RPG. I enjoyed it despite becoming incredibly frustrated at times. It has a lot of cool and ambitious ideas, although some were implemented poorly. Players will find a ton of stuff to see and do, as well as plenty of time sinks such as gambling mini games and meta achievements. There’s more than enough content for it to stand on its own merits and anyone who tells you it “feels like an expansion pack” is insane. However, Obsidian’s heavy reliance on old assets along with their lack of quality testing for an aging game engine keeps it from living up to its true potential and moving the series forward. But then again, war never changes.

The Good

Immersive world with a massive amount of content.
Excellent cast of voice talent.
Expanded crafting system is interesting for those who enjoy exploring.

The Bad

Narrative could have used some tightening up.
Outdated game engine couldn’t keep up with the developers ideas.

The Ugly

No one should have to buy a “Game of The Year” edition to enjoy a polished product.

Fallout: New Vegas, Why You Gotta Be Like That?

2010-10-29T12:26:00.001-04:00

I start playing, and you crash every hour or so. Now, a week later you're patched, but you still crash; albeit less frequently. While I'm reviewing I'd much prefer rad scorpions getting stuck in rocks to my entire console locking up.

Castlevania: Lords of Shadow Review

2010-10-18T12:34:00.003-04:00

Totally whipped.

A long time ago a company called Konami created a game called Castlevania, and it was good. It was linear and had a castle, and you threw a totally sweet boomerang to blow up fish men and eventually killed Dracula. Then a decade later, a dandy fop named Alucard got the title role in a game called Castlevania: Symphony of The Night and everyone got excited because Castlevania had a baby with Metroid, and you could explore backwards and they said “it re-defined the franchise!” The only problem is that game didn’t redefine the franchise. Back in 1988 a little game called Castlevania 2: Simon’s Quest came on the scene to turn it on its head. Now it’s 2010 and Simon’s Quest came out of retirement to have a baby with God of War. A baby that kills werewolves.

Much like the “reboot” (I hate that term) of Friday The 13th, Castlevania:LOS is part of the franchise in name only. Sure, Jason Voorhees is running around slashing teens with a machete, and sure, some guy named Belmont is running around smashing vampires with a whip, but any real connection with the source material ends there. The hero, Gabriel, is a orphan who was given the surname Belmont by the “Brotherhood of Light” who adopted him, based on his stoicism and love of the high mountain ranges. He was also trained by this order to combat evil. Unfortunately, that very same evil murders Gabriel’s wife in the process of spreading across the world, and begins his quest to simultaneously return her to life and take vengeance on the forces who killed her. So we already have a story similar to God of War. However, Castlevania takes a refined approach to story telling rather than a sledgehammer. Gabriel is a morose, guilt-stricken main character who you can feel sympathy for, unlike Kratos who is a one-dimensional asshole wrapped in a sack of douche bags.

The game’s action takes place in quasi-linear fashion. It immediately felt akin to Simon’s Quest because of the way it’s separated into distinct, but incredibly linear, stages and sub-stages that can be revisited over and over to open new areas and collect new items as you gain additional powers. There are also trials to complete for most stages and experience points to grind on your way to getting 100% completion of each one. You can gain xp from various in-game puzzles, which can additionally be skipped at the cost of their point boost should you become stuck. These experience points can be applied to upgrade combat skills and weapons in your travel book. You’ll want to re-visit levels often as they generally don’t take too long to replay and the upgrades you net make the games combat far easier.

Speaking of combat, the basic system in Lords of Shadow has been done a million times before. You’ve see it in GoW, Devil May Cry, and Bayonetta. Controls are tight and I never had a problem executing even the more complex combos to splatter and slice up the legions of darkness. C:LOS does have a few cool tricks up it’s sleeve though. It vastly improves on the quick time event system by replacing specific button strings with a simplified “bulls-eye” system that requires just pressing any button at the right time. This has also been inserted gracefully into some of the cut scenes, which caught me off guard once or twice. There are still the good ole button jammers that pop up when a troll grabs you and is trying to crush you to death, but all in all the QTE’s feel organic and are easy to deal with. Plus it’s fun to snatch a goblin with the whip, yank the pins on his grenades, and throw him back to run into his friends as a green suicide bomb.

As the adventure progresses, Gabriel’s “Combat Cross” weapon gets imbued with more functions than a Leatherman tool. Some are utilitarian such as sawing blocks and trees down that obstruct a path, others are combat-based, such as using the spiked chain as a choke collar to ride larger enemies. Yes, there are mounts. Riding giant wolves, spiders, boars, and even trolls a’ la Lord of The Rings allows you to smash through obstacles and mow down groups of smaller baddies with ease. Unfortunately, these sequences are more like short action-based puzzles and after you’ve punched your ticket for the Warg rodeo the third time, the luster wears off. You also gain access to to “light” and “shadow” magic which allows you to either gain health or output higher damage with attacks, respectively, when it’s activated. On top of that, there is a focus meter which fills as you complete combos and avoid being hit. Once full, enemies will drop “neutral” energy orbs that can be absorbed to fill one or both types of magic. Light and shadow magic have their own moves, and can also be applied to secondary weapons such as daggers, holy water, and fairies who can be unleashed to distract enemies or explode near them. The system is more complex than old stereo instructions, but once you get the hang of it allows for some diverse options to engage your enemies.

Your adversaries themselves look far different than previous Castlevania entries as well. The art style is much darker, and more realistic. None of the “cartoonish” sprites fans of the series are used to. While the characters and animation are excellent, the landscapes and environments steal the show. The games levels are flat out gorgeous. You’ll travel through everything from lush deciduous forests to dark caves leading into an underground city, to an incredible boss battle on a frozen lake covered in blowing snow drifts. There is no real “Castlevania”, but you will be fighting through multiple ruins and eventually in a massive citadel against vampires. Again, this reflects back to Simon’s Quest, where the castles were an afterthought and just scattered around the landscape as you made your journey. These environments are almost too detailed at times, because the game does suffer from some frame rate issues which seem to be from effects such as rain, or detailed lighting. The camera also causes some issues with this. Similar to God of War, Lords uses a fixed camera that pans and utilizes sharp cuts for dramatic effect. However, sometimes when you’re moving and the camera pans or cuts angles you’ll find yourself unable to control Gabriel until you stop moving and begin running in another direction. It’s a minor complaint, but was somewhat irritating. On the flip side, the game also uses a very subtle “shaking” effect on the camera when standing still, like someone is holding it. This actually adds an interesting feeling of tension to scenes, especially during larger boss battles.

Audio is equally impressive, and really adds a lot to the sombre mood of the game. The score performed by the Bratislava Symphony Orchestra is incredible. It’s perfectly orchestrated and works well within each scene. The voice acting is also top notch, especially the narration and dialogue from Sir Patrick Stewart. That’s right, Captain Picard MC’s your journey, and was an excellent choice for the role. Ambient sound is immersing, from the sound of creatures howling in the distance to crumbling pieces of stone as you swing on and scale ancient walls with the cross whip.

At the end of the day, Castlevania: Lords of Shadow is a good game. It has flaws, and you could fault it for being safe rather than innovative. The story’s exposition could have been tighter, and for those who care, Kojima’s input seems to have been walking into a room and saying “This is Castlevania now. OK, where is my check?” As a Castlevania fanboy I should probably hate it, but I do not, because it’s simply a lot of fun if you like third person action/adventure games, and the games latter portions contain some great fan service. It sits nicely along with Darksiders as a highly derivative but enjoyable romp to rent or buy at a discount. Also, you can snap a werewolf’s neck by ripping its arm out of the socket for leverage. That’s gotta count for something.

The Good

Graphics and sound are spectacular.
Story is engrossing, albeit unoriginal.
Deep combat system including Light and Shadow magic.

The Bad

Those gorgeous graphics cause some frame rate issues.
Camera can periodically cause some unpleasant loss of control.
Game doesn’t come into its own until about halfway through the story.

The Ugly

Why the hell does that horse have a Russian accent, comrade?

New York Comic Con 2010: Capcom Showcase Review

2010-10-12T17:28:00.002-04:00

Of all the booths at New York Comic Con 2010, there was one I was excited to check out more than any other. Capcom had a large presence and had been hyping that Marvel vs Capcom 3 and Mega Man Universe would both be playable at the show. Much to my afternoon delight, I got to play both games. Did they live up to the hype? Read on to find out!

Capcom had another character unveiling for MvC3 at the show, this time announcing Arthur (of Ghosts n’ Gobins fame), Nathan Spencer from Bionic Commando, M.O.D.O.K., and Magneto. Even with 5 playing stations set up, getting near this game was like trying to shake hands with the President. After a twenty minute onslaught of elbows and body odor, I was finally able to step up and play a match. To sum the game up in one sentence with the immortal words of coach Dennis Green, “They are who we thought they were!”

From the scant few minutes I had my hands on it, Marvel vs Capcom 3 is going to be awesome. The controls were incredibly tight, animations are crisp and fluid, on par or better than Super Street Fighter 4. There is also a LOT more going on in both the background and foreground than SSFIV. I had my ass handed to me thoroughly, which I blame on a combination of me sucking and my opponent having “stayed up all night playing MvC2 for this!”

Returning players with any amount of skill will immediately feel comfortable with the MvC fundamentals in place. However, these mechanics have been shifted over to the new simplified button scheme of low, medium, high, and “exchange” which threw me off. I’m sure this won’t be an issue with some practice, but it was off-putting when you only have seconds to figure it out and a sweaty guy in a “Mighty Thor” tee shirt is breathing over your shoulder. Yeah, I threw an elbow.

While MvC3 was amazing, it was the enigmatic game set off to the side that I was most excited to play. Anyone who knows me can tell you about my crazy obsession with the blue bomber, and so I have been rabidly following Mega Man Universe since its initial unveiling. After a solid 15 minute hands on I can wholeheartedly say, uh, it’s Mega Man. I was fairly underwhelmed after playing MMU, mostly due to the fact that the offering I had was basically a “re-mixed” version of Air Man’s stage from Mega Man 2. In fact it was so similar that they used the same musical score. What gives with that? Give me at least an “arrangement”.

I went with the “classic” mega man and a basic “load out” that included Quick Boomerangs. One thing that seriously turned me off to the experience was that the new models take different numbers of forward steps per animation. This completely throws off old school mechanics such as “toe tapping” to edge up to platforms and landing difficult jumps. Different characters also move at different speeds, which will undoubtedly take some getting used to. The character animations just felt mushy, and “off” compared to what I’m used to. The savage level of platforming difficulty was there, but the precision needed to assail it was not. I was taking a “wait and see” approach with this game, but now I have shifted to “cautiously optimistic”.

So that is Capcom’s setup in a five paragraph nutshell. They also had a lot of floor space dedicated to Dead Rising 2 on the floor, but since that was already out I turned up my nose and said “Released last week!? Pfft. OLD NEWS!” I mean seriously, do people even play games that are more than a week old anymore?

New York Comic Con 2010: TRON Evolution Preview

2010-10-12T17:26:00.003-04:00

Tron Evolution NYCC Preview

While struggling through the crowded aisles at New York Comic Con 2010, we eventually made it over to the surprisingly well hidden Disney booth where they were showcasing TRON Evolution. We had a chance to talk with Propaganda Games about their new offering for the Xbox 360 and PS3 and got a hands on preview of the game in all its electric blue glory.

TRON Evolution has been designed from the ground up as an integral piece of the TRON universe. It effectively sits between the original film and the new movie TRON Legacy to create a trilogy. Evolution takes place between the two films and so is set in the mid-1990’s. It also provides a darker tone than the movies and is considered the “Empire Strikes Back” going by the canon. In the game you play a character who is effectively Tron 2.0; created by Flynn himself to investigate why a virus is beginning to run amok and infect the isolated world that Flynn created after the end of the first movie. While there is no concrete info on Jeff Bridges or the Daft Punk-created soundtrack, Propaganda explained to us that the script for Evolution was written simultaneously with Legacy, with the goal of making sure the stories had very heavy cohesion. In fact, the collector’s edition of the game will include two tickets to TRON Legacy!

From the first few minutes I played the game, it was apparent that this was not a typical movie tie-in cash grab. The game looks fantastic. The hub areas of Evolution are busy digital cityscapes similar to GTA 4, with NPC’s wandering around, and a general hustle and bustle. Environments were well constructed and careful attention has been paid to the details of color pallets and architectural design. This is important because parkour plays a major role in moving around the world. It is all free form, which was challenging to get the hang of at first, along with some issues of the camera being overly touchy, but once you got moving the character animations and flow of movement were impressive. Digital trails of bits appeared to guide me as I ran and jumped through the electronic terrain. Parkour is also useful in combat against virus AI, utilizing advanced techniques to dodge and maneuver around enemies, and running along energized wall plates to recharge your discs.

Speaking of, what would TRON be without flying discs? You wield an arsenal of different discs that can be modified and upgraded including standard, bomb discs, and electroshock variants. Each disc type can be used in multiple ways in conjunction with unlockable combos similar to God of War. TRON Evolution is full of options, upgrades and different load outs to customize your character.

These customizations are key, because the game also has some incredibly ambitious ideas for multiplayer. Propaganda’s idealized vision is that Evolution will fall into the “e-sport” category. Therefore, they are creating a large number of multiplayer variants that require team strategies similar to an MMO. “Tanks”, “stealth units” and different “builds” can be setup to bring different strengths to a teams strategy. Another novel concept is that “no player is left behind”, and all the experience and unlocks from the single player campaign carry over to your multiplayer experience. The sheer amount of moves and combos felt slightly overwhelming, so if Propaganda manages to pull this off, they could have an impressively deep competitive online offering.

In the twenty minutes or so that we played before being accosted by hardcore Tron fans and having the controller literally grabbed at, we were only able to see a very short demo of one of the vehicles. The light cycles and light tanks both make an appearance, but we only saw the tank for a short bit. We were assured they will play a large role in the single and online play though. A few beta glitches and issues aside, Evolution looks like an impressive entry into the 3rd person action genre this holiday season, and even more so if you are TRON fan.

Kid Chameleon Review

2010-10-07T08:54:00.007-04:00

Multiple Personality Disorder is fun!

When you think of classic 16-bit console platforming the first names that probably spring to mind are Super Mario Bros. and Sonic The Hedgehog, or as I like to call them “two Guids and a rodent on speed.” There are, in fact, many forgotten heroes of that era. Vectorman, Chuck D. Head, Boogerman, Aero The AcroBat, Bubsy, the list goes on and on. Today however, I’m going to tell you about the greatest of these forgotten ones. His name is Casey, he starred in my favorite platformer of all time, and he made leather jackets and aviators cool before hipster assholes ruined them for everyone with their ironic fashion sense. Yep, it’s Kid Chameleon.

Back in 1992 I was a Sega kid. If you owned an SNES you had your SMB and Donkey Kong. That was all well and good if you wanted to fall into line with the PG status quo, but if you were like me and tried to sneak into R-rated movies, you needed the type of bizarre, violent and crazy fringe entertainment only the Sega Genesis could provide when it came to video games. Kid Chameleon was a first party work of genius that emerged from Sega’s creative renaissance period. The story revolves around a new virtual reality game “Wild Side” that shows up at the arcade, and then begins kidnapping its players when they inevitably lose. Casey goes into Wild Side and becomes Kid Chameleon to defeat its master “Heady Metal”. Classic early 90’s with the jagged neon fonts to prove it.

What really set Kid Chameleon apart from other platformers of the day (and many current ones) was his awesome capacity to use masks that morphed him into different personalities. He was basically ten schizophrenic characters in one that each had their own array of powers, strengths and weaknesses. These abilities could be used to Kid’s advantage to maneuver through the increasingly difficult environments of Wild Side. Forms ranged from basic assault like “Red Stealth” the samurai and “Maniaxe” who looked like Jason Voorhees and whipped hatchets at enemies, to utility characters like “MicroMax” the human fly who could stick to walls, or “SkyCutter” who rode a hoverboard that could defy gravity and stick to ceilings. My favorite form was undoubtedly “Juggernaut”; a huge tank operated by a skeleton wearing a Kaiser helmet. Oh yeah, and he shot SKULLS from a cannon. Are we seeing why this is better than Diddy Kong yet? Good.

There are over one hundred separate maps in the game world. You would only see about half of these if you played in linear fashion, running through each map to the flag at the end. However, teleporters placed in various levels could instantly send you to “elsewhere”; a network of levels outside of the main path. Once in these, you’d basically teleport around, scattershot, attempting to find your way back to the main path, and eventually fight a boss. Why? Because this game delighted in a cruel level of difficulty, that’s why! There are no save points anywhere, or password system. You have to beat what will usually amount to 80+ levels in one sitting. ROM’s later got around this issue, but the original Genesis/Mega Drive version is still an impressive challenge to defeat.

Graphics were on par with other Genesis titles of that time. Environments are colorful and varied, ranging from forests and jungles to sewers and cities. There are also the requisite “volcano and lava pit” levels. Enemies can get slightly repetitive, but are interesting and bizarre including things like skewered tribal heads shouting “DIE!” and oil slick monsters. Special attention was paid to the sprites of Kid and his alter egos, as they are highly detailed. Audio is straight from the early 90’s with tons of bloops and bleeps and plenty of “radical” sound effects like pitch shifted voices and laughter. The soundtrack is classic Genesis, meaning it sounds like someone formed an electo supergroup comprised of chimps playing keytars and table saws, meaning it’s incredible.

In summary, what made Kid Chameleon so great was the incredible variety of game play mechanics elegantly rolled into one game. Additionally, none of these felt shoehorned in because they made sense with the hero’s back story and world. If you haven’t played Kid Chameleon I can’t recommend enough that you give this challenging platformer a try since it’s now available from many services including Virtual Console and Steam. For extra fun, try my meta-game. Pretend that instead of fighting the games actual boss, you are battling Jeff Fahey as lovable dimwit Jobe from The Lawnmower Man.

The Good

Incredible variety of gameplay and powers.
You can transform into an UNDEAD GERMAN TANK.

The Bad

Level of difficulty may cause hair loss.
Replacing controllers can get expensive.

The Ugly

Not enough blast processing.

Good is The New Bad

2010-10-05T13:23:00.001-04:00

So there have been some minor uproars over game review scores lately that have gotten enough attention to rise above the usual internet static. First was Hydrophobia's developer pitching a fit over it receiving some less than glowing evaluations. Then the developer of the new Castlevania: Lords of Shadow title took issue with IGN delivering it a score of 7.5, which equates to "good" on their rating scale.

Since I personally reviewed one of these games, and I'm tentatively slated to review the other, it got me thinking about review scores in general as a sliding scale. It seems as of late, things have gone a bit awry.

Remember when you were in elementary school and the class was divided up by groups according to their reading skill? Each group had a specific color to go along with their workbooks. Children in the "Advanced" group set the gold-standard, readers in the "Average" group were told that they were "good", but were secretly spurned and tracked for being sub-par readers which translated to "good enough". Kids in the "Remedial" group had parents that were related to one another.

The video game industry appears to have reached a point where it is so cut-throat and competitive, that less than stellar review scores for games now equate to a title being forgettable or outright bad. This is only reinforced by the above incidents where developers speak out against a score that is considered in the upper echelon of the sites review scale, but not the very top.

It would be easy to just blame developers and PR people for "not delivering on promises", but the gaming journalism industry is largely at fault too. We (yes I'm lumping myself in there) sit and hype games based on pure speculation, creating a buzz months before there is even a tangible product to evaluate. This in turn creates a readership with very high expectations. I'm not telling anyone they should have to settle. Don't ever settle. Stay hungry, like Twisted Sister told you to. However, I think this behavior from us actually creates an almost self-destructive environment.

In a world where only the top scores mean something is worthwhile, a few docked points garner a title being widely ignored, and a low score yielding a possible phone call or email from an angry company, a new precedent is set. Reviewers most likely give much higher scores simply because their frame of reference is skewed, or because they don't want to deal with the backlash from the occasional low score. So then what's even the point of having numbers below 4 or 8 on the scale at all?

I think as the holiday game season comes upon us we will only see more of this as the top titles compete among cash strapped consumers. There are always winners and losers in a competitive industry, but a combination of the journalist hype machine, and impertinent developers reacting to imperfect scores for their works are creating a culture where we can't separate "median" from "mediocre".

So what do you think? Are review scores a flawed system? Or is any game labeled simply "ok" not worth your time and hard earned money?

Hydrophobia Review

2010-09-27T17:51:00.004-04:00

Taking exploding barrels to a whole new level.

I am terrified of drowning. No, seriously. So I was obviously the perfect person to review Dark Energy Digital’s new downloadable action/adventure Hydrophobia. This one-time full retail title has now become an episodic download exclusively available on XBox Live Arcade, and the title is now looking to push the boundaries of what’s possible via that platform. Does it succeed? Let’s just say that like the ocean, there is a lot going on here beneath the surface.

Hydrophobia sets you in the role of Kate Wilson, security engineer aboard The Queen of The World--a vast ship/city created by mega-corporations to provide a floating utopia for the very rich away from the rest of the world which has been thrown into chaos due to overpopulation and a shortage of resources. On the tenth anniversary of the Queen’s creation, it comes under attack by the Neo-Malthusians--fanatical terrorists who follow the writings of Thomas Malthus and believe in eradicating large portions of the population (hence their motto, “Save the world. Kill yourself”). As they launch their assault, Kate’s story begins.

Hydrophobia is science fiction based on a believable future scenario, and Kate is a protagonist with depth. She is actually one of the best parts of the game, and it’s really refreshing that Dark Energy Digital chose to create a three dimensional heroine. She more closely falls into the “sexy girl at the gym lifting weights” category than the Lara Croft archetype. For example, in the opening sequence you catch a glimpse of a childhood trauma that caused her fear of water. If you choose to explore her apartment before the action begins, you’ll see she earned awards in both swimming and rock climbing while attending Oxford. Hey, look--character development! Other characters in the game such as her boss/friend and guardian angel, “Scoot”, are less developed but still entertaining, and the game’s voice acting is solid all around.

Once attacked, the Queen of The World begins to flood, and Kate’s environment takes on a life of its own. Simply stated, Hydrophobia has the best environmental water physics I have ever seen in a video game, period. DED’s engine creates incredibly realistic fluid dynamics. You’ll feel yourself drag as you wade through waist deep water, or become disoriented as water rushes over you in flooding hallways. Water is also used as a fundamental tool in combat as Kate is armed only with a pistol and no shields. Combat requires the use of stealth because if Kate is shot she will die, a harsh reality that makes your environment an integral and vital tool in dispatching her more formidable opponents. Blowing up barrels, slicing wires to create electrified pools of water, and knocking out enemies to drown them in flooded areas are all fair game. Using your surroundings in creative ways to cause lethal chain reactions will earn you more points and unlock medals to move you up the games leader board.

While the combat is creative and engaging, it is not without flaws. My biggest issue with Hydrophobia stems from its controls. When navigating the awesome looking and complex environments, Kate controls decently, if a bit stiff. She is animated well, but you’re going to miss a few jumps while hanging from broken rafters, or possibly drown a couple times because you got hung up underwater between some floating boxes. These are forgivable given that the game’s complex physics engine isn’t perfect 100% of the time. I also noticed a few minor control issues when navigating the 3-D map and when in first person view utilizing the visually striking MAVI system that is heavily employed to remotely open doors, reveal concealed markers, and hack encrypted computer systems with the hidden cyphers you find throughout the game. However, once you enter combat, things can get ugly. Major fight scenes were obviously set up as intense center pieces full of action movie flair, but DED implemented a cover system that doesn’t always work properly. Enemies can sometimes shoot you through cover, and it can be hard to target them or set up chain reactions before the brutally effective AI sets up a crossfire on you or simply shoots a barrel to kill you immediately. Combine this with very limited amounts of advanced ammunition you receive after the first act, and it’s a recipe for frustration.

Hydrophobia is a very ambitious game. It attempts to raise the bar for XBox Live Arcade titles, and definitely succeeds in a few areas. The game has incredible water physics, an intriguing, tangible story, and a likable protagonist. However, I think some of these finer details might be lost on the average player due to finicky controls and sometimes frustrating combat. The price point could also be a turn off as you are paying $15 a piece for episodic content that lasts about four hours for the main play through. However, if you are able to look past its flaws Hydrophobia is still a unique entry in the current action/adventure catalogue that deserves to be played and praised for everything it does right.

Score: 3 out of 5

The Good

Innovative physics create an environment unlike anything you’ve ever seen in a game.
Kate Wilson is an incredibly thoughtful and well designed protagonist.
An interesting plot for those who enjoy minute details.

The Bad

Clunky controls detract from the overall experience
Combat can be glitchy and downright frustrating at times.

The Ugly

Not enough Roy the Donkey.

Plants Versus Zombies XBLA Review

2010-09-23T09:22:00.000-04:00

Crazy Dave is still crazy.

If there is one thing PopCap is good at, it’s creating incredibly addictive games. Plants vs. Zombies stands as one of their flagship titles and has finally made its way to Xbox Live Arcade for your couch sitting, zombie decapitating enjoyment! Much like previous XBLA translations such as Peggle and Bejeweled 2, this version of PvZ adds new features and is customized specifically for the console.

For anyone who has been living in a sewer like a common CHUD for the past few years, Plants vs. Zombies is a streamlined, stylized spin on the classic “tower defense” genre. A horde of undead ghouls are trying to get into your house, and only your yard, your garden of trusty plants, and a few lawnmowers stand in their way. Utilizing your trusty cursor, you collect sunshine to place more plants in an attempt to slow, shoot and blow up the advancing corpses. Completing levels and collecting coins allows you to unlock new types of plants and upgrade items to better take on your adversaries who include everything from armored bucket-heads and Zomboni drivers, to a gang of disco dancing zombies.

As previously mentioned, the XBLA port brings some brand new features and game modes to the table. Most new modes are unlocked by playing through the classic 50-level “Adventure mode”, and the best of these is the local co-op play. Now I know some of you will say “no online co-op? WHATEVER!”, but maybe just climb down from your high horse for a moment so you can hear me better. PvZ demands local co-op. The fast pace and strategy required to beat some of the later stages in adventure mode or the dedicated cooperative scenarios would be almost impossible to accomplish using headsets. You basically need someone sitting next to you on the couch so you can scream “NO! Put the walnuts THERE!” It is frantic, fun, and insanely addictive. To a lesser extent the versus mode has some merit, but didn’t hold my interest nearly as long as protecting my house from the advancing mob with a friend. There are also a host of mini games to be unlocked, such as a “slot machine” mode, and one based on another PopCap title, Heavy Weapon. You can also compare real estate with your Xbox Live friends after purchasing home upgrades and customizations from your neighbor Crazy Dave. He’s crazy!

All these modes and mini games play very precisely using the 360 D-Pad or analog stick, and the controls were effectively translated to this format from other mechanisms such as the touchscreens on various “i” devices. The graphics are also clean and sharp, with vibrant colors in high definition. It’s definitely easier to notice the minute details PopCap put into the animations when they are presented on a large screen. The sound is also appropriately goofy and scary to go with the overall theme of the game.

The bottom line is that for 1200 MSP, PvZ is a bit pricey if you already own the game on another platform. However, if you’ve never experienced the awesome and hilarious fun that is blasting apart zombies with a peapod gatling gun, then you owe it to yourself to check this game out. It’s great fun for a 5-30 minute sitting, or longer if you have a friend to play with. The combination of easy-to-learn strategic game play along with a sharp sense of humor will bring you back time and time again. There may be less expensive ways to play the game, but this is the most feature rich version of Plants Vs. Zombies to date and another great offering from PopCap on Xbox Live Arcade.

Score: 4 out of 5

The Good

Highly addictive game play.
Fantastic art style and humor.

The Bad

Lack of online multiplayer could be a sticking point for some.
Arguably a bit pricey with so many other quality versions already out there.

The Ugly

”The dolphin is also a zombie.”

Microsoft: The Phillip Morris of Video Games

2010-09-02T15:51:00.000-04:00

Oh, hello friend. Glad you could stop by. Perhaps you’ve been hearing some things in the news about this “price hike” for Xbox Live Gold subscriptions. Well, I’m here to tell you that we here at Microsoft value you as a customer and a member of our family, and to clear up some rumors and spread some truths about this whole situation.

Now, a few misguided people are claiming that we are increasing the price purely to make profit at your expense. Now, I think we both know that’s not true. We value our XBox “community” and would never try to extort more money out of you for no reason. Just ask our spokes-cowboy Larry. He will let you know about all the great features we’ve been adding that make your life better! Sure, you COULD use Facebook, Netflix or Twitter on your Blackberry, iP***e, iP*d, Samsung smartphone, Droid, even your PC (that runs one of our other wonderful products) for free, but wouldn’t you rather enjoy the convenience of sitting on your couch and not moving? Analog sticks not as easy as a keyboard and mouse? Well, for only $25 we have a great little texting pad that will attach directly to your controller! It’s a breeze!

You know what else is easy? Connecting your XBox Live Gold subscription to play all your great PC games for FREE via Games for Windows Live! You could use one of those inferior services that include free voice chat and/or dedicated servers, but if you did, your XBox Live friends wouldn’t see you online playing a PC game and looking cool. And that’s why sophisticated, attractive people use Xbox Live on their PC, because they know it makes them the envy of all their friends.

Speaking of envious, with all the new Kinect features we’re adding, your child will be the coolest kid in the neighborhood! Family fun time just got more stationary! You can be sure that your little ones will be safe and sound basking in the warm glow of a screen and camera with their friends while they enjoy great titles like Kinectimals! Kids love Skittles the Tiger. In fact, studies show that children ages 4-10 were 70% more likely to want to play with Skittles than read about cartoon Camels. He’ll be a great new family pet, just wait and see. Plus, even more studies show that there is no link between getting more faux exercise versus not getting as much non-faux exercise outside and childhood obesity. So we can proudly say the Kinect family of product is firmly against indirectly causing fat kids.

On the topic of ailments, there have been some naysayers out there claiming that playing video games and other non-active recreation can cause obesity linked to diabetes and high blood pressure, and also that playing games in a poorly lit environment will make you slowly devolve into a blind cave monster. While there is no direct evidence linking the latter to XBox, we want you to know that we here at Microsoft are committed to our community having the best overall experience possible. That is why we’re releasing a special limited edition controller soon. This new controller comes with a more sensitive D-Pad that was shown to react better to mushy flipper hands, and with a series of gray buttons that can be easily sensed by a foggy sonar aura emanating from around the controller. I mean, when you hear to see, why take chances?!

So I hope this brief letter has cleared up some of the misconceptions about the impending price increase for XBox Live Gold, and has opened your eyes to the fact that we’re helping you by bettering the service you can’t live without. I also hope you’ll feel secure in the fact that as long as you keep buying our products, we’ll keep making them more expensive to provide you with a more thorough purchasing experience. So warm wishes going into this exciting fall gaming season.

To You and Yours,
Microsoft

PS: Sony eats babies and Nintendo hasn’t yet been acquitted in its ongoing rape trial.

I Am Not Gone

2010-08-27T17:13:00.000-04:00

It's been quiet around here lately, but I am not gone. Just enjoying the end of summer while there is the annual lull in games coming out.

I'll be busy again soon enough, and the first thing on the menu should be Halo:Reach, which will undoubtedly be interesting to review.

Castlevania: Harmony of Despair Review

2010-08-06T13:47:00.003-04:00

Title: Castlevania: Harmony of Despair

Platform: Xbox Live Arcade

Platform Reviewed: Xbox Live Arcade

Developer: Konami

Publisher: Konami

MSRP: 1200 MSP ($15)

Writer: Ben 'kragg' Daniels

...and Yoko decided to take things in a weird new direction.

As Microsoft’s “Summer of Arcade 2010” begins to wind down, we’ve been delivered Castlevania: Harmony of Despair, or “CHD”, or “questionable” as I will refer to it for the rest of this review.
So lets look at this vampire slaying action-platformer and see if it really has fangs, or if it’s all sparkle and no substance. You see what I did there?

Right away I can tell you that this game is niche, and for only two types of people. The first type is diehard Castlevania fans such as myself. The second is diehard score junkies and loot whores, such as myself. The concept of this game is basically a glorified version of the time attack “boss rush mode” that is unlocked in previous installments of the Castlevania series. So already, if you’re saying “what the hell is boss rush mode?” this game is probably not for you.

You can select any of five characters from previous titles - Alucard, Soma, Shanoa, Johnathan, and Charlotte-and then run through streamlined versions of six “castle” maps attempting to kill a boss before a timer expires. All the characters retain trademark powers from their original games, but CHD doesn’t do a good job explaining what those are to the uninitiated. If you see pegs scattered around a map you might say “what are those for?”, but the seasoned Order of Ecclesia player will know that Shanoa can use her magnet powers to spring off them and boost to a higher platform. Again, this game is for Castlevania junkies. It’s almost feels like Konami just assumed that if you were purchasing it that you are a longtime fan of the franchise.

The graphics look like they were directly lifted from the Nintendo DS installments and cleaned up for HD. There is also a very odd 3x “zoom” system that basically let’s you look at the entire map/castle, a maneuverable area view, and then a full zoom focused on your character. The game action does not stop while zoomed out, so it can be frustrating being attacked while your hunter is literally the size of a pinhead on your TV. The sound is the most comfortable and familiar aspect of this game, with all effects being lifted from previous games, and a score of digitized goth-rock pieces that will be instantly recognizable to fans. One cool feature is the ability to set exactly which piece of music will play during each level and its respective boss battle once you’ve unlocked it.

The strongest aspect of CHD is the multiplayer. It’s online only, and presents a highly streamlined version of Castlevania that is basically a mash-up of the first game combined with Symphony of The Night’s most basic inventory mechanics. You and up to five other players choose your loadouts, enter the level, and try to beat the boss while opening as many chests to obtain new loot as time allows. You either defeat the boss and succeed to loot a fairly powerful random item, or you all die/time expires and you fail. That’s it. There is no leveling system to speak of, but you can power up each characters individual skills/spells through repeated usage.

While death is prohibitive in single player, it’s a mere annoyance in co-op as other players can resurrect you from a playable “skeleton” state using “water of life” which is scattered in chests throughout the levels. Single player tends to be frustrating, since these maps were clearly designed with multiple players in mind. Similar to Little Big Planet, there are certain paths and rewards only accessible using teamwork. There are also strategies to fighting certain bosses that may only be executed with more than one vampire hunter present.

A very strange feature is that aside from your initially chosen loadout on the main screen, you can only equip items at special pedestals within a level. This means that while you’re on your Winona Ryder looting spree, you have to run back to a specific area to actually equip and utilize your new weapon or armor, or wait until your next run to try it. This may have been implemented to add a challenge, but when you’re trying to navigate the clunky inventory system while under a strict time limit it simply becomes frustrating.

With only six maps to choose from the game feels a bit limited in scope. You can easily tear through them in 10 minutes a piece with a group of experienced players or possibly even less in the last-man-standing style “survival mode”. That being said, this falls into the Left4Dead category of multiplayer where you must play with friends. Without a solid group of people who you can communicate with and know exactly what the plan is, things quickly devolve into random, controller throwing chaos. There is replay value here, but only in the idea that you will want to collect as many items as possible, or rack up achievement points. I also have to applaud Konami for implementing a very cool replay system on the leaderboards, which allows you and your team to view other teams time runs and strategies, almost creating a meta-game based on the competitive nature of timed runs.

The bottom line is that this game is truly an arcade experience. It’s Castlevania; not “Metroidvania”. Do not expect the depth of titles such as Symphony of The Night or Portrait of Ruin. If you’re hankering for a loot grind fix and love the franchise, there will probably be enough familiarity here to satiate. However, if you’re not a longtime fan or even someone who appreciates a game based on hardcore mechanics such as time attacks, you’ll be decrying it as “Castlevania: Lament of Lost Wealth”.

Score: 2.5 out of 5

The Good

Action is hard boiled, fast-paced, and classic Castlevania
Konami should be applauded for taking a chance with an established franchise.

The Bad

There is only replay value for the OCD sufferers among us.
Konami’s experiment didn’t completely work out so well.

The Ugly

The callouses on this guys fingers.

Interview with Runic Games About Torchlight 2

2010-08-06T09:53:00.000-04:00

Last night we interviewed Runic Games about their just announced sequel to Torchlight!

The Evil Avatar community submitted their questions and the great folks over at Runic took the time to answer all of them. We got some great info about Torchlight 2 and I am now even more excited about it than I already was. It is definitely in my top 3 for upcoming releases in 2011.

Check it out over here on the Shotgun podcast page, or get it on iTunes!

Demon's Souls Review

2010-08-04T18:20:00.003-04:00

Title: Demon’s Souls
Platform: PS3
Platform Reviewed: PS3
Offical Website: Demons-Souls.com
Developer: FromSoftware
Publisher: Atlus
MSRP: $29.95
Original Release Date: 10/9/2009
Writer: Ben 'kragg' Daniels

Abandon dignity, all ye who enter here...

So you’ve heard a lot about this game Demon’s Souls for the PS3, but you’re wondering why you should play it and what all the fuss is about? Spoken about with much praise and adoration from its cult following of “hardcore” (see: obsessive) followers, and generally skirted by the general gaming public as being too difficult to invest time into. Well, ole Kragg is here to tell you why it is worth your time, and maybe we’ll all learn a little bit about ourselves in the process.

To get it out of the way immediately, yes, Demon’s Souls is a very challenging game. However, it is not exactly the ”oh my god I want to smash my controller and set my head on fire!” level of difficulty you probably heard about in its initial reviews. I’ll let you in on a secret: the game simply requires patience and thought. Maybe those reviewers lacked that, but you and I are chock full of the stuff, and that’s why we’re not afraid to devise strategies and die a few times in the process. One of the main points that makes this game so great is that its lack of checkpoints and stamina system force you to think about each and every move you’ll make.

Aside from it’s math-y statistical leanings, the game plays more like a “hack n’ slash” than your traditional RPG. This is no Dragon Age or Diablo however, where you can just run into the fray recklessly mowing down everything in your path. A few poorly timed swings and you’ll receive a Brooklyn beat down from even the lowliest enemies. I was victim to this until I finally came to grips with the fact that I was playing the game wrong. After taking the time to study the rhythm of enemies attacks (which the game advises in the tutorial and I promptly ignored) I learned to successfully parry and counterattack, delivering spectacular impalement's; the kind normally reserved for the adult film industry.

Probably the most outstanding reason to suggest Demon’s Souls is its highly lauded multi-player system. Atlus recently announced they will keep their multi-player servers online until “at least” March of 2011, and while the core game will function after this time, it’s a disservice to play this game offline. In a time when people claim that multi-player modes are simply tacked on to artificially extend replay value, this is the antithesis. Demon’s Souls multi-player is both unique and elegantly executed to supplement the single player story. The ability to see fleeting ghosts of other players, drop messages which the community can rate to grant you random health boosts, and the use of stones that allow players to arbitrarily cross into other peoples “worlds” as benevolent or malevolent spirits has created some of the most enjoyable online play I have come across in years. What is most intriguing is that the game integrates the online features in a way that enhances the atmosphere of the world, making it seem like you truly are one of many spirits trapped in a personal purgatory fighting an army of demons. The limited control you have over how the online portions play out (such as not being able to choose to play with your friends specifically) only creates more perceived tension. It’s not for everyone, but for people who enjoy a certain element of surprise, it’s a unique experience.

To paraphrase one of my peers “In a world where basically any game can be looked up online to be walked through in a sterile fashion, it’s nice to know something exists that still makes you say ‘What the HELL is going on?!’ “
This basically sums up Demon’s Souls perfectly, because it forces you to make strategic decisions without handing you all the pieces to the puzzle. Again, this isn’t everyones cup of tea, but if you’re the type of person who doesn’t mind not having everything in a game laid out simply for you, this one is definitely worth picking up at its reduced $30 price point.

The Good

Gorgeous graphics, an interesting world that is fully realized with a classical style
Challenging levels, devious traps, truly epic boss battles
Immersing multi-player that adds a unique style of depth to the campaign

The Bad

The style of gameplay and challenge may not appeal to a wide audience
At some point, ya’ll gonna get griefed!

The Ugly

This SFW foot fetish site dedicated to ’the maiden in black’

Torchlight 2!!!

2010-08-04T08:22:00.000-04:00

Torchlight 2 was just announced! This is incredibly exciting news as they finally added multiplayer! Torchlight was easily one of my favorite games of last year, and I am definitely looking forward to the sequel, since they are pretty much adding the one feature I felt it was lacking to be a 5/5 title.

Check out more info on the Torchlight 2 official site.

YouTube Ruins Everything

2010-07-22T13:23:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time, video games contained something called “surprise” and “challenge”. These are archaic monkey caveman words that you and I no longer use, because they have been replaced by words like “Google” and “smartphone”. However, there is one word that trumps all others in ruining the fun, excitement, and general interest of everything everywhere at all times. That word is “YouTube”, and it wants to let you know someone else already did it better than you.

YouTube was founded in 2005 and immediately purchased by Google as a powerful tool to post pirated VHS rips of old music videos, and broadcast violent ranting diatribes about your ex-girlfriend. Eventually, as with all things, FOX News found out about the site and it was officially ruined. Along with the advent of fairly cheap digital cameras, every jerk in a first world country decided they had to chime in on any product they had ever purchased with a video review. Because the Internet wasn’t clogged up with enough bullshit before you decided to review those freeze-dried apples.

Eventually YouTube caught up to video games and decided that, they too, needed to be ruined. Almost as a slap in the mouth to anyone who pays the sixty dollars to buy a new game, YouTubers began creating poorly crafted video walkthroughs. Not to be outdone by itself, YouTube then decided it needed to create a video walkthrough for each video game in history. This eliminated any sense of excitement or challenge to any game that has been or ever will be created. Just can’t beat that final boss in The Adventures of Lolo? Don’t worry, there is a nine minute video to help you with that. (Editor’s Note: If you happened to beat The Adventures of Lolo before YouTube existed, it actually travelled back in time to create that walkthrough, altering your future, meaning you never actually beat The Adventures of Lolo, but instead watched a video of some guy beating it for you.)

The problem with these videos is that they cheapen the overall experience while simultaneously validating the creation of more videos with “hits” on YouTube. Unlike a written Strategy Guide or an online FAQ that tend to guide you in the proper direction while still allowing you to actually play, a YouTube video will show you exactly how to do something by watching another person do it for you, completely eliminating the need to actually play the game yourself. It is the 201X equivalent of using a Game Genie to cheat your way to victory so you don’t have to fight with your local video store over late fees on the copy of Mega Man 4 you rented.

Many people might argue that YouTube walkthroughs exist to help people achieve goals they otherwise wouldn’t be able to on their own, and save them hours of frustration. I would argue that these are the same people who buy those pre-made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in a plastic bag. They are widely known as “failures”. Being able to freely create and publish video content may have revolutionized the way we as a society view epically bearded men, but it also opened the door for would-be coaches to devalue the challenge of games, and for people like this to waste valuable oxygen. As an aside, I am writing his biography, and the working title is “Surprise! You’re Adopted”.

Puzzle Quest 2 review

2010-07-13T19:42:00.002-04:00

Better late than never! You can read my review of Puzzle Quest 2 over on Evil Avatar

It's a great sequel, difficulty level not withstanding.

Checkpoints: Because You're Just Not Good Enough

2010-07-07T21:32:00.003-04:00

New Kraggonomicon posted over here on the Evil Avatar

Video games have gotten far too easy, and I have something to say about it. I also use the word "vagina" a lot.

PS3 is pretty awesome

2010-06-28T12:24:00.003-04:00

Yeah,

So quiet on the new post front as usual. Life too frequently gets in the way of blogging about video games.

So E3 has come and gone, and now that summer is here along with the good weather, video game time will be sparse. However, I did acquire a PlayStation 3 gaming console-majig, which I have to say has quickly made me a convert.

With my new found distaste for all that is Xbox Live multiplayer gaming, the PS3 and it's back catalog of interesting titles at budget prices looks like it's shaping up to be the overall winner of my limited gaming time this summer. With my current mindset, the games I have lined up just seem more appealing and hold my interest more. I think this will be a summer of RPG's.

Mass Effect 2 is still the current contender right now, but as soon as that is finished, we'll see what console manages to be on more often when I'm not playing Puzzle Quest 2.

Zombies Ate My ReMake

2010-06-28T12:22:00.003-04:00

New Kraggonomicon posted here.

Please to signing petition for an actual re-make of Zombies Ate My Neighbors! rather tahn that Monster Madness knockoff nonsense.

E3 predictions from the future crystal ball machine!

2010-06-09T12:35:00.002-04:00

New Kraggonomicon is up! Check it out here on Evil Avatar!

Or if you're lazy, just keep reading this very page.

* Bionic Commando: Re-Armed 2 and Marvel vs. Capcom 3 will lose "Best of E3" to Craftin' Mama

* The demo Natal unit will go haywire during it's unveiling, unleashing a terrible hail of lead on unsuspecting attendees, after foolishly being loaded with live ammunition. J. Allard will laugh from his fortress high atop Doom Mountain.

* Kojima will announce a new game. The focus will be on cooking omelets and deriding what little is left of your self-esteem through complex quick time events.. It will sell 6.5 million copies in the first week.

* Transformers: War for Cybertron will introduce two new characters; a jive-talking Ford Focus in a du-rag, and an El Camino who wears a poncho, because Transformers 2: Revenge of The Fallen was simply not racist enough.

* Peter Molyneux will announce that the most powerful weapon in Fable 3 is friendship. He will then be heroically saved from a mob of angry nerds by Larry Hryb, who will carry him out of the presentation hall, set to a Whitney Houston song, a' la The Bodyguard.

* In a move to add value to the Move, Sony will announce that it's battery pack is interchangeable with the existing re-chargeable battery in your girlfriend's vibrator.

* Splatterhouse will be adequate. This will bring meaning to my otherwise lacking existence.

* Gabe Newell will announce Source Engine 2, and then eat an entire Boston Creme cake on stage in four bites just to prove a point.

* Nintendo will announce that the 3DS will revolutionize hand-held gaming, and come packaged with a pill to help you forget that you've purchased the Nintendo DS four times over.

* By the time anything announced at E3 is actually released, you will have preemptively trash talked and speculated about it so much on the internet that you won't actually care about it when it hits the shelf. (oh wait, this one IS true)

A Short, Violent, Retrospective of Razorsoft's Greatest Hits

2010-05-27T07:43:00.003-04:00

Razorsoft created some of the craziest games ever for the Sega Genesis, and I run down a quick list of what made them insane. Check out new Kraggonomicon!

Check it out here on Evil Avatar!

Kraggonomicon: "Community Chest - Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Be a Douchebag"

2010-05-12T16:28:00.002-04:00

New Kraggonomicon posted over on Evil Avatar!

"Community Chest - Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Be a Douchebag"

Enjoy!

The Ending of Bayonetta is Sheer Madness

2010-05-07T13:05:00.004-04:00

Not to mention the entire game itself is like one big Japanese acid trip, but when the final battle of a game can be summed up by saying "I have to ride my motorcycle into space now so I can kill God by punching him into the Sun" you know you're playing something special.

Then when the ending takes over 20 minutes, including the battles DURING the rolling credits. Wow. Pay off city. 4.5 out of 5

Horses, The New Car

2010-04-28T17:15:00.001-04:00

A little light on the posts lately due to a busy month. Newest Kraggonomicon posted up!

The Kraggonomicon - Horses, The New Car

Enjoy!

PAX Cosplay photo round up!

2010-04-05T18:34:00.001-04:00

Here is a re-post of the best cosplay pics from PAX East 2010 in Boston!

The Kraggonomicon - You Own a Sewing Machine (Cosplay at PAX East)

PAX East 2010 Wrap Up

2010-03-29T19:34:00.002-04:00

Good times!

PAX didn't disappoint. Although it was a whirlwind of walking and talking and playing games that went by too fast and left my feet sore, it was incredibly fun.

I got to demo a bunch of great, unreleased games, see some interesting products, and most importantly meet a lot of great people.

I would definitely go back next year and would highly suggest it to any fan of gaming, anime, or general nerdiness.

PAX East Madness

2010-03-25T16:51:00.000-04:00

I am totally psyched for PAX East this weekend.

As this is my first PAX I'm interested to see how it differs from other conventions I've been to.

I'm guessing more media hype and more furries.

I'm sure there will be plenty to post about upon my return.

Where Have All The Rentals Gone? (A Cautionary Tale)

2010-03-10T12:57:00.002-05:00

Where are my rentals, where have they gone?
They're not under my couch, or out on my lawn,
They're not at Wal-Mart, at Best Buy or Fry's,
So off to the GameStop that people despise.

The black-shirted man greeted me with a laugh,
And said "Welcome in, your trades are worth cash!"
I told him no trades, I'd shown up to rent,
And he became vexed and started to vent,
"RENTAL YOU SAY?! What a foolish request!"
I replied "no MP, ten hours at best"
This had enraged him, plainly to see
"IF IT'S NOT WRAPPED IN PLASTIC, NO DLC!"
"DLC?" I chuckled, "I care not for that."
"NO GOLD GUN?" he shouted "OR AVATAR HATS?!"
I repeated "a rental, no less and no more"
To which he replied "Get out of my store."

So I wandered to Blockbuster and much to my glee,
Aisles of rentals that stared back at me,
"Enjoy it for now" the clerk said forlorn,
"For sometime soon, all this will be gone."
I stared at the boy in complete disbelief
"Chapter 11" he sighed "There is no relief"

"You used to rent games, from near and from far"
"Now you're too lazy to get in your car."
"Digital downloading is all that pervades."
"And we'll soon be done when Red Box invades"
"They're testing it now, right as we speak"
"In the city of Reno, down by the creek"

"Reno Nevada?!" I said in a shock,
"But crackheads and prostitutes don't play Xbox!"
"Well then maybe it's Gamefly?" he droned in malaise,
"But I want games now, not in thirty six days!"
So I left with my rental, gloomy and glum,
Knowing this service's time would soon come.

So heed this fair warning, and count numbered days,
Unless all us gamers should change in our ways,
Companies bleed money from out of our hands,
Tchotchkes and pre-orders all part of their plans,
They hype and they market even if the game sucks,
And we know Dante's Inferno ain't worth sixty three bucks.

View the OP here on EvilAvatar.com

Bioshock 2 and moral choices

2010-03-09T17:09:00.002-05:00

Lately I have found myself quite enjoying Darksiders. One of the major reasons for this is the lack "moral choices" embedded in the story. It's certainly enjoyable not being posed with the "illusion of choice" presented via the A/B or A/B/C pathing schemes of many newer adventure and RPG titles that at times appear to be artificially manufacturing replay value. The most recent examples I can cite being Bioshock 2 and Dragon Age.

At a time when developers are attempting to create immersive "experiences" that require a lot of thought, a game that presents a well written, linear plot is a breath of fresh air.

I'm yearning more and more for the time when games were simply games, and did not require the massive investments that new titles seem to require.

Activision needs to go back to making PitFall

2010-03-03T13:04:00.001-05:00

Now THAT was a game!

I was a Disney villain

2010-02-15T17:37:00.003-05:00

Little known fact. I was once a villain in a 2001 Disney film distributed in Canada.

Yes, I was in fact the antagonist in Jett Jackson: The Movie which was the follow up to Jett Jackson: The Album and Jett Jackson: The Dish Detergent.

I (Kragg) was portrayed by the excellent Michael Ironside whom you might remember as "guy who got his arms ripped off in Total Recall" or "guy who got his legs torn off in Starship Troopers".

Story goes that a freak accident caused heartthrob Jett Jackson to trade places with his generically named silver screen counterpart Silverstone. Then Jett had to save the world from my clutches while Silverstone had to deal with an even bigger problem, "TEENAGE LIFE!". So while Silverstone dealing with pushing away the temptation of marijuana dealers and worrying about safe sex, Jett was foiling my plans to use the laser and portal gun I had apparently developed. Oh, and I had also captured "Hawk and Artemis".

Eventually they stopped me and me and my cronies were arrested, Jett decided to continue acting, and was reunited with his family and friends in his own dimension. I think this was the right choice, as I bear no lasting ill will towards Jett, and I hear that the Canadian Actors Guild has excellent benefits.

What I want to know is, why did no one apprise me of these events? Had I known about this back in 2001 I would've made sure that I told everyone at my 21st birthday party that Arnold told me he'd see me there.

Sewer Shark is The Greatest Video Game Ever Made

2010-02-12T08:08:00.003-05:00

You can check out my latest article here on evilavatar.com

Sewer Shark is fantastic and I want to read about it!

Also, for the record I'm about 1 hour into Bioshock 2, and so far it has surpassed my expectations. I actually like playing as a Big Daddy, which I initially thought would be much less fun than playing as Jack.

We'll see how the rest of the story and the multiplayer hold up over time though.

Top 5 Games I Want to See on Project Natal

2010-02-01T12:29:00.008-05:00

Top 5 Games I want to See on Project Natal:

With E3 arriving in the next few months, people are already speculating what the hot new trends will be for 2010. Fanboys and analysts expect the top trends to be 3-D, motion control systems, and "Guitar/DJ/Rockband/Band Hero 37: Kenny Loggins Edition".
This article will focus on motion controls. In part because it's a hotter subject than Guitar Hero, but mostly because I don't feel like writing about a fad technology from 1952 that's being re-hashed for a third time.

We all know your mom loves her Nintendo Wii, but Microsoft especially knows that. They also know you don't want to take part in anything your parents find cool, so they've devised their own idiotic device that perpetuates the idea you should be physically moving around while playing a video game. That's right lard ass, bet you didn't know you're a bad person for sitting in one place for 3 hours at a time, did you?
Since Microsoft is getting on the "let's fix something that isn't broken" bandwagon with Nintendo, but claiming their novelty act will be more advanced and immersive, I hope that the games will be more realistic than the fare we've received on the Wii up to this point.

So without further ado, I present

"The Top 5 Games I Want Developed for Natal"

1. Ultimate Beer Pong Challenge Extreme:

Remember in 2008 when they tried to release a beer pong game for Wii and CT attorney general Richard Blumenthal got all upset about it? Of course you don't. That happened more than 3 weeks ago. Well, it doesn't matter anyway because that game was going to suck compared to U.B.P.C.E.

The true beauty of this game lies in the advanced motion and facial recognition, and avatar support. We can pretend to drunkenly slur at fake opponents for not "knowing the house rules", angrily swipe at Solo cups, and then tumble face first through a folding table.

Have you ever seen an XBox Avatar projectile vomit eight cans worth of Natural Light? Me either, but I know we're both excited about it!

2. Hobo Dodger - Championship Edition:

Nothing screams "adrenaline rush" like taking your trash out to the dumpster in the middle of the night to have an awkward, chance encounter with a vagrant searching for recyclables.
Through the magic of Natal you can simulate this heated exchange, which I hope will include a cover system similar to Gears of War. Higher difficulty levels will increase tramp AI and bring extra bindle-swinging action!
If you don't have hobos where you live, then Hobo Dodger will let you re-create the feeling of living somewhere with a population higher than 10,000 people, where hobos are known as "homeless people" rather than "Bill".

3. Motorboat HD:

This is a boob joke. In high-definition. That is all.

4. Insomniac:

This one is a white knuckle thrill ride where the power of motion capture technology is used to simulate tossing and turning in bed, wracked with buyers remorse. Your Avatar can't sleep, utterly distraught with the fact that it just purchased an over-hyped peripheral that Microsoft will only support for about 6 months with lame, predominantly first party software until the next fad comes along, because people got tired of family game nights where they jumped around the living room playing Connect-Four.
You'll need to keep moving to bring your anxiety meter down while your character ponders things like "What is the return policy?" and "Did I throw the receipt away?"

5. My Lap Dance Trainer 2 -Starring Kendra Jade:

Finally we come to the reason Natal was invented. Hot on the heels of Daisy Fuentes Pilates, Your Shape featuring Jenny McCarthy for Wii, and improving on the original My Lap Dance Trainer for the Game Gear, we have My Lap Dance Trainer 2 - starring Kendra Jade.
Natal can provide all the benefits of a full aerobic work out, along with the safety of not being rufied or catching hepatitis C from a dressing room toilet seat.
Guiding you through all this as you mock pole-dance your way to fitness and affording an Associates degree is a moron who cried to Dr. Drew about trying to overcome sex addiction, yet continues to strip. I'm sure the irony isn't lost on anyone. Oh, and before you write a scathing comment to me, click here.

I'm sure this game can also double as a peace offering to Ron Jeremy. If we reach out to him as a community, maybe he won't say video games are bad for children while selling tubes of his magical dong-enhancing creme.

Will Project Natal be embraced by the masses and exploit my ideas with one of these killer apps? Only time will tell. I can tell you this though, whether it's Wii, Natal, or Sony's rumored "ARC" project, the fact remains that none of these will ever outdo the greatest gaming peripheral ever invented.

It's funny because it's true

2010-01-26T14:12:00.002-05:00

Mass Ineffective 2

2010-01-25T12:56:00.002-05:00

Sometimes a nerd laments....

This is one of those times.

For those who do not know, Mass Effect 2 has narrative points that are effected by your character's choices in Mass Effect 1.

I, like an idiot, erased my ME1 saved games. Now I lament.

Moral of the story is, don't erase saved games off your Xbox HD, even if you need to make room for Shadow Complex. Erase other GAMES, because you can always re-download those later.

Witch sex is an odd thing.

2010-01-16T09:20:00.003-05:00

Dragon Age is one of the most addictive RPGs I've played in a long time. About 37 hours into my first play through and there seems to be an un-ending amount of stuff left to do.

I keep getting distracted by telling my character to have sex with Morrigan. I don't know if allowing your character to bang a witch was a strategic flaw that created a time sink, or the greatest game design decision of all time.

Right now I'm leaning towards the latter...

Behold! The Kraggonomicon!

2010-01-13T19:31:00.002-05:00

My new bi-weekly article over on EvilAvatar.com today to stunning reviews and many well wishes.

I'll be posting new content for them every other Wednesday until I say something that gets me chased off the site, or someone finds my address and fire bombs my apartment.

You can check out the first installment here.

"really?!" is dead. cast it out for 2010

2010-01-04T12:53:00.002-05:00

2010! My first blog post of the new decade!

So what's on my mind right now? Well, it seems Lake Superior University has updated their "banished words list" for 2009, but I want to throw my hat into the ring on this one as well.

"Really? REALLY?!" was what I heard Kelly Ripa say over my work break while suffering through the cess pool that is daytime television. Thus rang the death knell for this overused phrase. If something is used on "Live with Regis and Kelly" it is no longer funny. So for the sake of comedy, much like a sick family pet, let the phrase die a respectable death. Don't continue to use it and make it suffer. Please?

A combination of the internets super highway and SNL Weekend Update launched repeatedly saying "really?" in an ascending pitch to super stardom sometime in mid 2009. Much like portmanteaus "chillax" and "bromance". The fact that something was made slightly popular by SNL is enough to warrant being careful of it's overuse. I personally fell prey to overusing "like a boss" this year, so don't worry, it happens to the best of us.

To help ween you off of this now unfunny phrase, simply follow these rules.

1. Always preface the word really with the word "oh".

2. Practice saying "oh really?" repeatedly in the privacy of your home, where you can monitor your pitch. If you find yourself going steadily higher with repetition you may need to purchase an auto-tuner or pitch pipe from your local music store to avoid further embarrassment.

3. Last, but not least, if you're on the internet and feel as though you're about to use "really?!" then simply do a quick google search and make the choice to post a pic of the O RLY? Owl.
This is the correct option as the O RLY Owl remains fucking hilarious through repeated usage. Especially when he is wearing a monocle or wizard hat.

So there you have it everyone. Steps to have you free of this annoyingly overused phrase and on your way to a happier, healthier, and more original new year! Really.

Jurassic: The Hunted demo. Raptors and my clappin' nina.

2009-12-07T10:25:00.001-05:00

Last night I loaded up the demo for "Jurassic: The Hunted" on a hot tip that you could kill dinosaurs with civil war weapons.

This was true, but only part of a greater picture that I couldn't have dreamed of. You get guns delivered through a motherfuckin' TIME MACHINE!

Much like myself, the folks at Cauldron software didn't want to live in a world where you couldn't mow down Velociraptors with a civil war-era gatling gun, and within 3 minutes be splattering the brains out of a T-Rex with Gulf War ordinance. The only difference is they took the initiative to make a video game, while I created a bunch of crude line drawings in a notebook. Kudos.

There was an unsuccessful remake of Turok on the 360 a little while back, and I'm pretty sure the Cauldron team snuck into the Propaganda Games offices, beat everyone to death with socks full of quarters, and then proceeded to steal their game engine, wallets, and unused concept art.

The next step in this plan was to completely bypass any chance of explaining a back story by only giving access to their version of "horde mode" in the demo. You can try to click "new game" as much as you want, but it'll just spit in your face that you don't own the full version. But whatever, no one gives a shit about the story anyway, you just want to shoot a triceratops in the face.

From there you basically defend a fort by gunning down raptors with an installed machine gun from The Last Samurai, and a 9mm featured in most John Singleton films. You board up windows, grab increasingly powerful guns from the future delivered by some magical chrono-angel, and see how long you can repeat this process. The one nifty feature is their twist on "bullet time". Not only does time slow, but you see a sort of "dinosaur x-ray" where your targets internal organs become visible. Cappin' the brain or the heart of a thunder lizard will generally put them down in one shot.

In summary, I feel this game will unfortunately become bargain bin fodder, however I'm looking forward to the day when i can spend $15 to be able to shoot a Brachiosaurus with an RPG.

"Why I'll never pay for another MMO", or "UR DOING IT WRONG"

2009-12-01T13:46:00.002-05:00

So after many years of playing subscription MMOs, I came to the conclusion last night that I will never put out my hard earned money for one ever again.

I am going to rant on and on here knowing full well this will only be relevant to other MMO players, current or otherwise.

So here's a couple of the main reasons why I've made this choice.

1. I no longer want to spend money on an unfinished work -

Unlike a traditional console game that can simply be rated, played end-to-end and (through modern technology!) be patched to fix its linear content, MMOs need to constantly evolve. They also have to be programmed to balance content for multiple classes/types and different play styles, and exploits. Patch cycles become an issue, new content becomes an issue, some guys class being OP becomes an issue. I'm not willing to keep dumping money into a game anymore while I wait for it "to be finished", when in reality it might never be finished, or particular bugs might never be squashed because the product is just too immense. When I'm paying a subscription I want something to work now, or shortly after purchase.

2. I'm not going to gamble on subscribing to failure -

Back in the day when these games were niche (UO, DAoC, EQ1) players were committed and they had smaller communities, and the games could have slower dev cycles that allowed for polish. Now with huge budgets and expectations, games are rushed out the door as quickly as possible. If they don't turn a profit they are either put into "maintenance mode" or have their plug yanked. Tabula Rasa is an example of the plug being pulled, and my beloved Warhammer Online is on shaky ground. I am no longer willing to pay the retail box price + subscription fee for a game that could possibly be dead within a year. MMO players nowadays seem drawn to the flavor of the month, and there's just too many products out there to chew up and spit out to justify the longevity of these games to large parent companies.

3. I have other options -

I have been mulling it over in my head recently, as it seems the "landscape" has been changing quite a bit recently. The rise in free-to-play games has been going on for a while now in Asia, but Turbines decision to move Dungeons&Dragons Online to that model, along with the success of Runes of Magic and Free Realms, cash shops appear to be a pretty viable option over here in the west.
Guild Wars is still my favorite MMO of all time and has the best pricing model. You buy the game one time, and that's it. No fees. Not the most persistent world, but after years there are plenty of people to play with in it's PvP and instances.

With the way these games are going, unsure patch cycles, teams being laid off, communities and player-bases that fluctuate, I'm much more inclined to get a game with no fee, where I simply make a traditional one time purchase, or use a cash shop model where I pay as I want for some in-game items and content, but if I stop playing for a few weeks or months I'm not wasting my sub. I'll gladly pay $10-20 over the course of my time in a cash-chop MMO if I never had to pay outright for the game client itself.
I know some will argue that cash shops can try to "cripple" the game to bleed players for more than a sub-based plan, but in the increasing casual gaming market, I think it's becoming apparent that western gamers want a complete game with "pay-as-you-go" for bonuses and new content, rather than for vanity and critical items in the highly grind-based eastern MMORPGS.

4. When it's over, it's OVER.

This is the big reason. I pondered this while staring at my bookshelf full of games I will no longer, or CAN no longer play. Counterstrike or Black&White 2 I can re-install and enjoy again and again. MMO's? Not so much...
When you purchase a retail box MMO you can't sell it, trade it, or even just let a friend borrow it. It's tied to an account, so when you tire of it, you have a useless box with a useless disc inside. I suppose you could give a trusted friend access to your account, but that breaks most TOS and also possibly compromises the security of your credit card.
If the game itself gets shut down, well then that install just becomes so much wasted hard drive space.

So there you have it. A few reasons why I will never purchase or play a subscription-based MMO again.

My only advice to anyone reading this (that isn't a seasoned veteran) would be that in this brave new world of mainstream online games, do yourself a favor and wait a while for the game client to drop in price and a few patches to hit. Things like the Guild Wars and Everquest $20 box sets are a pretty good value, compared to these new games that are enticing you to spend $50 or more for a buggy, post-beta experience.

Oh, and for god sakes, DO NOT buy the collector's edition! :)

You've Got Goals

2009-11-30T12:33:00.002-05:00

Now that I managed to snag a discounted copy of Left4Dead2 during the dreaded "Black Friday" sales, and my cranberry sauce high has worn off, I feel the doldrums of the winter gaming void setting in. However, I take heart in the fact that now is the time to PLAY the games, rather than wait in anticipation to BUY them. I suppose it's one of those situations where the journey is almost as important as the destination, because when there's no "next big thing" coming out in two weeks, what are we to do with ourselves?

Achievement whoring? Sure. MMO on the side for distraction? Maybe.

It's sort of like being at a buffet. You rush through the salad bar and main courses to get to dessert, only to realize that you hate soft-serve ice cream and that you should've spent more time enjoying that pile of chicken wings.

I re-subbed to Warhammer Online to check out the new patches and upcoming fixes, as I have a sick faith that refuses to believe it's a "dying game" as its forum trolls are determined to tell everyone.

Luckily, off on eastern horizon, where the sun rises, March of the coming cyber-decade 201X brings the highly androgynous Final Fantasy XIII, and I will certainly make that my next definite purchase. In the mean time I'll enjoy my free avatar Chocobo that should show up sometime near xmas, for the low low price of "free" + spam in my inbox.

Sympathy to Mythic...

2009-11-11T12:22:00.001-05:00

Now that it is official and not just Twitter-based rumors, I'd like to offer my sympathies to all the folks at Mythic who were laid off yesterday.

As most people on here know, I am a huge fan of Warhammer Online, and I was also have fond memories of Ultima Online from the before times.

Having gone through lay offs myself in the past, I know it's a difficult process and I can only hope that everyone will be able to get back on their feet as soon as possible.

On the topic of the games themselves, I hope Electronic Arts has the willingness to allow Mythics current titles to continue development and maintenance. WAR, DAoC and UO are all quality games and fill interesting niches in the MMO landscape, and have small but dedicated communities of players. My hope is that none of them go the way of "Tabula Rasa"...

"I beat Borderlands and all I got was this lousy tee shirt"

2009-11-04T08:00:00.002-05:00

So I beat the first play through of Borderlands last night, and since i don't want to spoil anything, I'll just say my reaction was "uhhhhh....yeah."

Luckily I was informed by a few people, including SgtSlappy, that the second time through is a bit more fun and challenging.

Honestly, all I need is someone to say "Hey, you get even bigger guns, and they're ORANGE!" and I'm all in for some replay value.

Yet again, Borderlands proves it's addictive, MMO-like qualities.

Too many games being released

2009-11-02T12:22:00.002-05:00

Zoiks!

Too many awesome games being released in the next few months. I've just barely gotten scratched into the surface of Borderlands, and already Dragon Age: Origins is dropping tomorrow, and Left4Dead2 is looming on the horizon.

I'm thinking it's time to start writing these games down on my xmas list. I'm also wary of starting another massive RPG, especially when I have those WAR time cards sitting around collecting dust in anticipation of patch 1.3.3

In other news, RIP Dungeons and Dragons Online. You are a fantastic game, but none of my friends want to play you right now, and I can't kill kobolds on my lonesome.

Borderlands: Why don't we just wait here a while and see what happens

2009-10-27T08:13:00.003-04:00

I have clearly been neglecting this due to other commitments in outside the blog-o-sphere.

Going to try to keep a more regular update schedule for this, in conjunction with the Shotgun podcast over on www.evilavatar.com

I've been playing a lot of Borderlands recently, and the game is fantastic. After hyping it and waiting all this time for the damn game to finally come out, I'm glad it delivered.

Borderlands is basically the video game equivalent of a Jason Statham movie. Is it smart? No. Does it have any redeeming artistic merit? Barely. However, it's fun as hell and shit needlessly explodes all over the place every 30 seconds.

The game play boils down to what feels like a fast paced FPS combined with the loot and quest mechanics of World of Warcraft. Guns and items are even given a similar color coding system.
Think of it as a stripped down MMO. You and your friends repeat endless amounts of quests and loot grinding, except there aren't any lonely 16 year olds spamming general chat while their elves are fishing around a pond.

The graphic overhaul Borderlands received also gave it a unique touch to make it stand out amongst a sea of first person shooters. The "hand painted" graphics really give it some extra oomph, especially to the landscape which is 90% burnt out industrial wasteland.

Overall I'm gonna give Borderlands an 857,389/1,086,342 which scales down to about 8.5/10.
Definitely not a game for everyone, especially people who hate math, but for anyone with an addictive personality, hunting for new guns will give you something to do between trips to the methadone clinic.

Chupacabra killed by Texans?!?!

2009-09-02T20:14:00.002-04:00

The crafty Chupacabra finally met his match in Blanco, Texas at the hands of an amateur taxidermy student.

Although it was probably just a sick coyote with hyper-extended legs, let's suspend disbelief for a few moments.

Chupa just wanted suck some goats, eat a few chickens and pee in some hay. Now he's dead.
Just like most awful things, Texas is at the source.

Let's take a moment to reflect on Chupas life (mostly chronicled in Weekly World News), his death, and his inevitable existence as a conversation piece next to an oil barons poker table.

Chupacabra is violently murdered and jerkied by cowboys.

Legend of Neil gets musical

2009-08-25T21:05:00.003-04:00

Comedy Centrals site Atom.com has some generally funny shorts posted now and again.

The Legend of Neil is no exception, and I found this fairly amusing. I don't know why so many "nerd humor" series feel the need to do a musical episode, but at least they got it out of the way early, and they got Felicia Day to play a fairy who likes it doggy style.
There are also jokes about auto-erotic asphyxiation, which is always a fan favorite...

Video LINK goes HERE!

Re-posting this one by way of EvilAvatar.com

Guild Wars 2 trailer teaches me I can love again

2009-08-20T16:25:00.006-04:00

I normally don't like to jump on hype band wagon when it comes to game announcements, but Guild Wars 2 just posted up it's first official trailer, and GODDAMN it looks good! I'm an unabashed fan of the first GW, and have no problem proclaiming my love for it from the rooftops. So this news put my nerd lust into some kind of terrible overdrive.

Hype machine + Twitter feed

Since video games have now taken to that same annoying habit the movie industry has, and begun releasing trailers well in advance of any actual release date, I've compiled a list of 5 things myself and other Guild Wars (and MMO fans) can do to occupy our inherently addictive personalities until this gem drops late next year.

1. Start smoking crystal meth: Extreme? Sure. Effective? You bet! I came out of the gate swinging on this one. I figure if I get started now, by the end of 2010 I'll have sold my computer for drug money, and I'll be way too busy finding a cardboard box to curl up and get high in to even worry about an MMORPG.

2. Take up quilting: By winter 2010 you'll be well practiced. That means you'll have something to keep you warm in the winter while you play. You can also give quilts as presents to your friends and family. This is two fold. You'll save money for a new gaming rig, and they'll hate you so much by then that you'll have plenty of alone time to play Guild Wars 2.
(bonus: The AIDS quilt can always use more patches depicting Orcs.)

3. Collect stamps: I don't know how well this will pass time over a year, but I can guarantee that when you drop this to start playing video games again, you'll look like slightly less of a pathetic wreck.
Stamp collectors are the "creepy uncles" of the nerd world. They're only one rung up from the bottom where the model train collectors are getting in line to register for the sex offenders list.

4. Find Jesus: And then tell him to make them release Guild Wars 2 sooner.

5. Chronically Masturbate to Pornography: Because the Internet is free at your local library.

So there you go, a few things to occupy all of our time.

If you don't like my list I don't really care, because if you're reading this it means you made it to the end of the post.
Much like a Navajo losing part of his soul to a camera, I've stolen two minutes of your life that you can never get back. Think about it.

"Gamer" the movie. /IGNORE

2009-08-13T13:09:00.006-04:00

First thing, follow this link.

Gamer movie trailer

Now, take a moment to clean all the puke off yourself from the overload of contrived generic garbage stench you just experienced, and continue reading this post.

IMDB summarizes Gamer as "a high-concept action thriller set in a near future when gaming and entertainment have evolved into a terrifying new hybrid. Humans control other humans in mass-scale, multi-player online games."

I summarize Gamer as "Lionsgate forces Freejack and The Running Man to have a retarded baby, then steals it, teaches it to dance, and sells it to a travelling circus."

Seriously, did they only create this movie because it's socially unacceptable to rape a bag of puppies in exchange for money?

I'm not going to lie. I watch some CRAPPY movies. In fact, I willfully indulge, and enjoy terrible movies. A recent example I'm not proud of is Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li.
Alcohol was involved...

However, I reserve a special hatred for movies that blatantly rip-off something I love and try to re-package it as new. You don't fool me Gamer. I know exactly which 6 movies you lifted from, and that's just by watching a two minute trailer.

The great irony is I'm sure a few people in the gaming community will vocally oppose this piece of crap like I am, and then the majority of them will go see it. The cess pool of comments following that YouTube link would already seem to be making a strong argument for that.

Hopefully they'll be able to watch Gerard Butler take part in as much homoerotic shoving and man-caressing as there was in 300, while drinking Mtn Dew Game Fuel, after shaving their pre-pubescent moustaches with a Gillette Fusion Gamer razor.

Hmmm...I'm starting to sense a theme for the second half of 2009.

BlazBlue. Japan loves robots and boobs.

2009-08-06T10:20:00.006-04:00

So I snagged the last copy of "BlazBlue: Calamity Trigger" last night from one of my 13 local GameStops.

My first impression is that the guys who designed Guilty Gear wanted to make a new game, but first they each decided to drop a ton of LSD.

Since you can find a thorough review of this shrieking Japanese tornado of madness over at IGN, I'm just going to rattle off a few quick haikus.

Large Asian titties
Roundhouse kicking cat people
Down in the alley

Metal on the airship
Monster talks on his cellphone
The soundtrack rocks hard!

Gun-swords are awesome
This dudes is semi-auto
I like Taco Bell

There. A totally unbiased review.

Seriously though. The soundtrack is EPIC, and one character constantly reminds people that her breasts aren't food. Yep, food.

Go pick it up. Then find me on Xbox Live and I'll scream obscenities at you while we play!

New L4D DLC! Ridiculous dialogue included at no extra cost to you...

2009-08-05T11:46:00.000-04:00

If there's one thing that gets me more excited than ice cream and boobs, it's shooting zombies in the face.

That's why I was so psyched when I read today that Valve is finally releasing a new episode for Left4Dead entitled "Crash Course".

It's supposedly going to tie together the plot lines between the "No Mercy" and "Death Toll" campaigns. There's also a bunch of versus mode crap which I don't really care about, because I'm one of those jerks who plays this game on the 360, rather than the PC. Therefore I basically stick to co-op and the newer survival mode.
So I use a button to turn 180 degrees? Suck it...

I'm excited to see there will be some new original content before the upcoming release of L4D2.

While I'm on that topic, I have to say it baffles me why the "Left4Dead" community is in such an uproar over the sequel being released so soon.

Watching L4D fans argue about this is like watching two fat guys wrestle over a glazed ham. Yeah, it's hilarious to watch you fight over it.
But in the end, the winner is still a fat disgusting slob.
Can't we all just agree that it's awesome to throw Molotov cocktails at hordes of the undead?

We're all still going to buy the sequel anyway.

If you don't, your fat, ham stealing opponent will lord it over you.

V.U.G. visits ConnectiCon '09

2009-08-03T10:40:00.000-04:00

August and September are generally the season for "Cons". "Con" is short for "a convention of people who have limited social skills."

So in the interest of wasting a wonderfully sunny Saturday, I took a jaunt into downtown Hartford to check out Connecticon 2009; Connecticut's largest expo of anime, video games, comics, and sweat-stained foam pants.

The funny thing about a Convention is that it's an exercise in mob mentality. Normally if you saw someone dressed as a night elf walking down the street, you'd probably poke fun of him at the very least, and at most you'd pummel him about the face and neck with his +3 Iron Staff of Mountain Dew Cross Promotions.

This all changes when weirdos and geeks congregate and attain the upper hand in local population. This creates a sort of psychological shield, that they believe protects them from the painful judgments and criticism of "normals".

The truth is that there is no magical shield that protects you from the shame of living in your parents basement beyond the age of 30, or prevents the Hartford police from laughing at you behind your back every time they stopped traffic to let you cross the street.

There's safety in numbers. CTCon is a lot like the "Million Man March", only with more furries trying to proposition people for late night sex back at the Radison.

"Pssst, kid, can you keep a secret?"

A little known fact about geeks/dorks/nerds is that they have a problem with the concept of logic when they get excited about something. For instance, if you put your hand on a hot stove, logic dictates not to put it back there.

Logic would also seem to dictate that if you dress as a giant Tetris piece and can barely walk, let alone ride in your friends 1993 Toyota Tercel, then you shouldn't walk around in public dressed as a giant pile of blocks.

"Mobility FAIL"

While wandering around the endless tables of comics, "witty" tee shirts, swords and homemade chainmail, it's easy to let yourself go in a world of fantasy and Doritos. That's why every once in a while you need a reality check.
A reality check like two storm troopers taking a coffee break with Edward Scissorhands.
It's sobering to be reminded that these guys put their plastic pants on one leg at a time, just like everyone else.

However, not all convention geeks show up without bringing some sort of talent to the table. Besides the common skills of being awkward around women, non-athletic, or oily there were a few standouts for me at this years gathering.

Fallout 3 guy? YOU WIN. You walked into that auditorium and proved to 8,000+ people what an extended hiatus from internet porn can accomplish. For that, I salute you.

If there was a contest for best costume, I hope you collectively tea-bagged the entire room after you
crushed the hopes and dreams of every kid who put together a Naruto costume out of their moms old drapes and bargain bin items from Party City.

"The greatest man in the history of time."

Elf girl playing the harp? I LOVE YOU. You showed up and proved that dorks can have some kind of discernible musical talent on a 300 year old instrument.
You were also really hot in a slightly creepy way.
I'm not gonna lie. I dig that.
I think we both knew there was some chemistry when I took my sweet aviators off to make eye contact. We definitely shared a moment.
So if you're reading this and over 18, find me on Facebook and we can schedule a date.
This will save us both the trouble of posting a "missed connections" ad on Craigslist later.

"My future wife."

A fun time was had by all this year, and I learned a lot about myself as a person. I also had an awesome pulled pork sandwich at City Steam.

To wrap this up I'd just like to say that I'm glad things like this exist, because it gives people a chance to use their imagination, and express themselves in a safe, friendly, nerd-positive environment. Plus, I think we can all agree on some level that no matter how much of a geek you are, you're not as bad as the guy next to you in the Matrix costume, because that movie just isn't relevant anymore.

Oh, and to the dude dressed as Billy Mays? "Too soon bro! TOO SOON!!!"

Everything just smells kind of, plastic-y...

2009-07-31T12:47:00.000-04:00

Hey all. I want to start off this blog with a quick description post.

I haven't done the blogging thing in years, but I figured now is a great time to start as I want to get back into
the process of reviewing video games, various media, and commenting on pop culture in general.

When trying to come up with a name I tried to decide what kind of publication name would imply something completely ridiculous, yet honest and majestic.

So after 5 minutes when I couldn't think of something original I ripped off this G4 ad.

My eternal thanks to YouTube, and fair use.