Oh, hello friend. Glad you could stop by. Perhaps you’ve been hearing some things in the news about this “price hike” for Xbox Live Gold subscriptions. Well, I’m here to tell you that we here at Microsoft value you as a customer and a member of our family, and to clear up some rumors and spread some truths about this whole situation.
Now, a few misguided people are claiming that we are increasing the price purely to make profit at your expense. Now, I think we both know that’s not true. We value our XBox “community” and would never try to extort more money out of you for no reason. Just ask our spokes-cowboy Larry. He will let you know about all the great features we’ve been adding that make your life better! Sure, you COULD use Facebook, Netflix or Twitter on your Blackberry, iP***e, iP*d, Samsung smartphone, Droid, even your PC (that runs one of our other wonderful products) for free, but wouldn’t you rather enjoy the convenience of sitting on your couch and not moving? Analog sticks not as easy as a keyboard and mouse? Well, for only $25 we have a great little texting pad that will attach directly to your controller! It’s a breeze!
You know what else is easy? Connecting your XBox Live Gold subscription to play all your great PC games for FREE via Games for Windows Live! You could use one of those inferior services that include free voice chat and/or dedicated servers, but if you did, your XBox Live friends wouldn’t see you online playing a PC game and looking cool. And that’s why sophisticated, attractive people use Xbox Live on their PC, because they know it makes them the envy of all their friends.
Speaking of envious, with all the new Kinect features we’re adding, your child will be the coolest kid in the neighborhood! Family fun time just got more stationary! You can be sure that your little ones will be safe and sound basking in the warm glow of a screen and camera with their friends while they enjoy great titles like Kinectimals! Kids love Skittles the Tiger. In fact, studies show that children ages 4-10 were 70% more likely to want to play with Skittles than read about cartoon Camels. He’ll be a great new family pet, just wait and see. Plus, even more studies show that there is no link between getting more faux exercise versus not getting as much non-faux exercise outside and childhood obesity. So we can proudly say the Kinect family of product is firmly against indirectly causing fat kids.
On the topic of ailments, there have been some naysayers out there claiming that playing video games and other non-active recreation can cause obesity linked to diabetes and high blood pressure, and also that playing games in a poorly lit environment will make you slowly devolve into a blind cave monster. While there is no direct evidence linking the latter to XBox, we want you to know that we here at Microsoft are committed to our community having the best overall experience possible. That is why we’re releasing a special limited edition controller soon. This new controller comes with a more sensitive D-Pad that was shown to react better to mushy flipper hands, and with a series of gray buttons that can be easily sensed by a foggy sonar aura emanating from around the controller. I mean, when you hear to see, why take chances?!
So I hope this brief letter has cleared up some of the misconceptions about the impending price increase for XBox Live Gold, and has opened your eyes to the fact that we’re helping you by bettering the service you can’t live without. I also hope you’ll feel secure in the fact that as long as you keep buying our products, we’ll keep making them more expensive to provide you with a more thorough purchasing experience. So warm wishes going into this exciting fall gaming season.
To You and Yours,
Microsoft
PS: Sony eats babies and Nintendo hasn’t yet been acquitted in its ongoing rape trial.
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