E3 predictions from the future crystal ball machine!

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* Bionic Commando: Re-Armed 2 and Marvel vs. Capcom 3 will lose "Best of E3" to Craftin' Mama

* The demo Natal unit will go haywire during it's unveiling, unleashing a terrible hail of lead on unsuspecting attendees, after foolishly being loaded with live ammunition. J. Allard will laugh from his fortress high atop Doom Mountain.

* Kojima will announce a new game. The focus will be on cooking omelets and deriding what little is left of your self-esteem through complex quick time events.. It will sell 6.5 million copies in the first week.

* Transformers: War for Cybertron will introduce two new characters; a jive-talking Ford Focus in a du-rag, and an El Camino who wears a poncho, because Transformers 2: Revenge of The Fallen was simply not racist enough.

* Peter Molyneux will announce that the most powerful weapon in Fable 3 is friendship. He will then be heroically saved from a mob of angry nerds by Larry Hryb, who will carry him out of the presentation hall, set to a Whitney Houston song, a' la The Bodyguard.

* In a move to add value to the Move, Sony will announce that it's battery pack is interchangeable with the existing re-chargeable battery in your girlfriend's vibrator.

* Splatterhouse will be adequate. This will bring meaning to my otherwise lacking existence.

* Gabe Newell will announce Source Engine 2, and then eat an entire Boston Creme cake on stage in four bites just to prove a point.

* Nintendo will announce that the 3DS will revolutionize hand-held gaming, and come packaged with a pill to help you forget that you've purchased the Nintendo DS four times over.

* By the time anything announced at E3 is actually released, you will have preemptively trash talked and speculated about it so much on the internet that you won't actually care about it when it hits the shelf. (oh wait, this one IS true)